Auto Biography: Spelling

So I was talking to my friends today and... I think I just feel worse. Have you ever tried to get someone to understand your predicament but no one seems to get it?

Well that's exactly what's going on here, and the more I explain it the more everyone seems to back off.

I get that everyone thinks it's weird that I can go out but I don't go to school. I think it's weird too!! and when I explain why that it's 'good for my health and lowers the risk of suicide' they just kind of give me this skeptical look. I've even had someone flat out tell me that they don't believe me. That someone was a really close friend.

That's the reason why I don't really try and explain it very often. I only try with my close friends, and with all the time I put into my explination.... well, it all seems waisted. They don't believe me, and they don't seem to be trying to understand! it's a two way street.

My life, since the first grade, has been some sort of twisted uphill battle. When I was six years old I was led up into the attic by a kid my parents were babysitting and orally raped. His name was Miguel and he was ten...

Untill 7th grade all of my teachers always got on my case about how awful I was at spelling. They would always say that I just needed to practice and study. They gave me packets of words and tips on different study techneques, but by 6th grade I'd given up studying.

It's because of spelling tests that I'm such a sucessful cheater (when I apply myself of course! I don't cheat anymore!!!) In order to pass I had to spell and since I couldn't spell I relied of those that could! It worked too. I passed nearly all of my language arts classes (from first to sixth) with A's ^_^

Hey! Wait a moment!! I stopped cheating in fourth grade!!! Like I said by 6th grade I just gave up! (by the way I had two years of third grade. We moved after my first year of third grade and [because of spelling] I asked if I could repeat the year)

After fourth grade I simply relied on the vocabulary tests to help me pass the class. I dropped a letter grade but I consider it worth it. Freaking out over spelling was just way too stressful! Anyways, I'm much better with my letters now :) halfway through 7th grade words found their blueprints and things just began to kilck!

I gotta say, life is much easier when you can spell!!! That's pretty much it with spelling. It doesn't freak me out anymore (which is extreemly nice) so that closes this chapter of my lovely little auto biography. I'll write more about my life later! Thanks for reading!!!!

~Rose

Eli, Hannah, Hosbitle, Panara

Well I would like to cry now for many a reason. One of them being that Carol read my blog and saw the thing I wrote about Matthew (not my brother) and now she's upset because Eli loves me and I doubt him.

Now I'm upset because I really do love Eli and I wrote that :,( I really do love him. The only reasons I ever post that stuff is because I doubt myself.

I get scared that my feelings are so real and that the little fantisies that run through my mind are an actual possibility now (well most of them anyway...) I'm so freaking scared and now I'm so freaking sad and I just want to freaking become an ostrage.

Why an ostrage? What a good question! I want to be an ostrage because they bury there head in the sand! I don't do that XD nope! Not for me!! BUT!!! Alright that's that for feeling bad!!

Oh and Eli if someone ever does give you the adress to this site you have every right to slap/break up/kill me for hurting you. You don't diserve it :( and I'm sorry.

On a seprete note, I'm going to Hannah's this Sunday!!! :D WOOP WOOP!!! Unless of course my peadiatrition puts me in the hosbitle for loosing too much weight. *sigh* and that would really suck booty.

SOOOO I am going to stuff myself and get over 94 pounds by the time i go back to the Doc on thursday!!! Then I will be with my belovid sister for ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! I am FLIPPING out here people. Sumersults and EVERYTHING!!! =D

Now one more thing, Eli and I have a date at the new panara tomorrow =) I've had this dream where I lean over the table and gently kiss him on the lips... Wonder if it will come true! Probably not. I'll probably chicken out and just eat my begaul while turning a lovely shade of bright red!

Ok that's it! I feel better now =) love y'all! Thanks for reading!

~Rose

Election

XD oh my god, whenever I see that -the title- my dyslexia changes it to 'erection' I find this extremely funny. Oh God I can't stop laughing!!! Ok, ok *giggles* back to business. *poker face*

Ok, I can finally talk. Here's the deal. Obama won.

No. I am not exactly happy about this. Infact I wish it hadn't happened. :(

Well, I've been searching around twitter for pictures of what was going on with the people and how they felt about him.

Everyone is saying that if Romney was elected then there would be no gay marrage, abortion would be illigal, and woman wouldn't have as many rights as men. I just want to say to that, I highley doubt that he EVER said that, and I also doubt that he would have done such a thing. Espically since everyone feels so strongly about it.

I think that people should have paied more attention to the current economy and less about those things, I mean has it occoured to anybody that if the economy keeps going down hill like it is then we'll all be in such a deep depression that stuff concerning gay marage and rights and stuff will become less important?

We need our economy to be fixed. Not our laws.

Just to make things clear, I AM only 15 and no ones taken the time to explain everything to me. Also, I've only seen ONE debate. So obviously, I'm not a voice that exactly needs to be heard. But I am worried (extreemly so) about the economy. I'm worried about what will happen to my family if this down hill fall continues. Where struggling as it is, and I don't want to end up loosing our house...'

I wish the pickings were better. Hmph.

Anyways, please check out the pictures in my little picture tab thing concerning the election shtuff :) thanks for reading!

~Rose

OH WAIT!!!! Please share your views :) I love hearing from all of you!!!

(maybe we can start some sort of cool teen thing that you always hear about 'Teens that actually do stuff' ya that's what we can call ourselves!! XD)

My point is, I want to get a better understanding on all of this :) your help is more then welcome!! :D

Hiding under the bed

So today kind of sucked. I was supposed to get my blood drawn at seven (am) and I was really scared so I tried to stay up entill i was supposed to go.

After getting really freaked out AND sleepy I took my meds and slept, deciding that I'm getting my blood drawn either way.

BUT

When my mom came in at six to wake me up (I had to get there at six thirty) I was pretty much dead to the world, so I ended up not going. (YAY!!!) But I have to go tomorrow (ugh)

So anyways, My mom woak me up again for my temperary home school teacher. I got up, got some cherieo's, and sat on the counter waiting for her to show.

When she did show, I was almost finished with my breakfast. She got everything ready on the dining room table and began talking to my mom. I said "I gotta grab something..." In a whisper and walked up to my room.

I locked the doors to my room and the bathroom that connects Matthew's bedroom to mine, and sat on my bed a little while. After that while, with an empty feeling, I got up and stuffed myself under my bed.

Now, most of the under bit of my bed is used for storing my cloths. I have a dwars system there so there isn't much room. I got a few splinters, but I made it there, and waited. Long story short, my mom found me, sent my HS teacher away, and answered a call from my dad (Turns out my cousin Adam is in the hosbitle because of a car crash!!!!!! D,= He'll live though ~Thank God~) I talked to him and all was good.

Skip a few hours and he's home. What does he ask me?

"Why were you hiding under your bead today?"

What a stupid question! So my smart ass answer. Was...

"I wanted to see if I would fit."

"Well then why were you upset?" he asked me.

And I simply replied

"I didn't fit"

~Rose

Best friends *Texting*

Hannah – Je suis tellement malade de le peuple cetter j’asseoir tout pres dans mon quatrieme periode les classes. (Translation I’m so sick of the people that I sit very close to my fourth period class.)

Me - … Whaaa???

Hannah – Tout ce qu’ils font est la malediction sur moi et m’appeler un idiot. Je ils deteste. ( Translation All they do is curse at me and call me an idiot. I hate it.)

Me - *sends picture of bathtub floor* Ducks

Hannah – So you’re not even going to try to figure out what I said. Awesom.

Me – Why do they do that????!?!?!

Hannah – Because they’re Tim’s friends and they’ve been trained to hate me. Every time my band director tells me to move for a piece (cause sometimes we have different parts) the girl next to me goes “jackass” even though everyone else but her is moving too.

Me – I’m sorry =( have you said anything to them about it?

Hannah –And she doesn’t even pay attention, she just reads and texts all class, every class.

Me – It’s probably locked. And I’m cleaning right now, but I can if you really want me to. And you don’t have to get mad at her, just thank her for going out of her way to notice you, but it makes you uncomfortable so you would like her to stop!

Hannah  No because that would start drama all over again. And she’s Tim’s best friend, so that would just start unneccesary drama with him again. But the next time she says it to me, I’m hopeing I’ll have the guts to walk out of class. If you saw a picture of her, you can just TELL she’s a bitch. If you’re online she most deffinetly has a facebook.

Me – I know! That’s why it’s a slight insult! You’re kinda calling her a lesbian!!! That’s how she’ll take it (as an  insult) and if she trys to start something just ask herif she ever gets tyred of being angry and upset all the time.

Hannah – She wears legwarmers to school, her phone case is the rebel flag, and her favorite outfits involve shorts with leggings underneath. Being polite is NOT going to work with her.

Hannah – Rose. She is a lesbian. She’d probably slap me for saying it outloud, but she’s either lesbian or just a plain country slut. I’m leaning towards lesbian. There are a surprising number of lesbian couples at my school.

Me – Well something obviously is wrong with her (now you know that I’m not talking about the lesbian bit) you don’t just act that way and are glad with your life. It’s just not possible

Hannah – But more thean a lesbian, she’s just a bitch. Wholeheartedly.

Hannah – It’s just, she doesn’t quit! She even got our piccolo player Mary (who nobody really likes because she’s self centered and she loves the spotlight) to whisper “jackass” every time she had a spare second while Satterwhite was talking. And I had to sit next to her for 40 minuets.

Me – I bet that she doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the way she actually feels. I bet she has absoutly no plans after highschool. I bet that while were in france/England/everywhere, she’ll be looking into prostitution so she can make a few bucks. You can’t let what she says bother you (and trust me, I totally get how hard that is.) each time someone like that calles you a name just start planning out trips around the world =) name your kids, name the pets we’ll have, think about how your house will look, and how mine will look, link of how your going to have to keep me from going overbord on our apartment! Don’t worry about money and details on how were goin got get there, just think that we’ll be rich by then and we’ll have all the money we want to spend in france and how we’ll get sexy accents. Etc. Just think about how beautiful myou are and think of how those kids don’t recognize how stong you are. Think of how proud I am of you for handling everything so well. =)

Hannah –So, you’re a really good motivational speaker, did you know?

Me – I do it for you =3

Hannah – Thanks :) you’re like the best bff ever <3

Me - =3 why thank you!!!! I wouldn’t be the way I am without you!!! (no seriously, you pick out the little things that have me confused! I can’t live withought you!!!)

Hannah – We’re perfect for each other! We need a shipping name :O

Me - =O YES WE DO!!!! Who’s name goes first!?!?!?!?!?

Hannah – I like Samannah! (cause it’s better than Hannie XD)

Hannah – By the way, that’s pronounced Sa-mannah XD like savannah :D

Me – Oooo I like it!!! =D When I can draw comics can I draw us being all amazing friends and stuff!?!?!? =3

Hannah – Yeees! We can be THE AMAZING BFFS OF SUPER AWESOMENESS *HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS*

Me - =O DEFFINITLY!!! I have to draw the comic when you were really upset and I sighed, layed down next to you, poaked you, and said ‘so I have this amazingly beautiful friend named Hannah, and she’s really upset’ =3

Hannah – THERE YA GO, BUT NOW I’M TIRED AND I HAVEN’T TALKED TO GLENN IN LIKE 4 NIGHTS :(  BUT I HAVE TO GO TO BED. SO NIGHT SISTA.

Me – NIGHT SISTA!!!! DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY!!!!!

Me – Oh and cleaning my room means finding watterbottles!!! And this time there were *drum roll* TWENTY!!!

Hannah – XD good job XD you have too many just lying around XD

Me – XD most of them are empty =3 alright  that’s all for tonight folks!! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here!! (night girly) =D

 

I'm sleepy so this is it for today :)

~Rose

I'm underweight, ugh

Alright, since depression kicked in I've lost my appitite. As in, I eat when I'm hungry and I don't when I'm not. Sounds simple right? Well, I've always thought so! But apparently that doesn't work for me anymore :/

Before I lost my appitite i was about a hundred and three pounds (103lb) and as of today I am ninty six pounds. (96lb) it's gotten pretty bad. The lowest I've beed since this all began is ninty four (94lb) and that was yesterday.

Today, right before I peed I weighed in at ninty eight pounds (98lb) I weighed myself again after releaving myself and I had lost two pounds... I really don't see how that works!

Brush Teeth -> weight= 98lb -> pee -> weight= 96lb

What!?!?!?! What is this witchcraft!?!?

Well, in completely different news,
1. I painted my nails a lovely shade of light blue! AND I ACTUALLY LIKE IT!! (I usually hate nailpolish but I LOVE this color!!)

2. I found my favorite childhood barbie doll in a box in the grage!! WOOP WOOP!! I remember she was supposed to be a cllectors doll givin to me from my aunt share bear, but I climed up my closet and got the box down from the top shelf, ripped it opened, and started playing with *drumroll* Cinderella!!! :3

anyways, when I found her she was ickey! So what do I do? Well obviously I strip her of her gross gown (<- how u spell such word!?) took the old rubberband out of her hair. Brushed her hair, washed her hair, then wrapped it up in a towl upon her head. And for the gown, I got some washing machine stuff and washed that off too :) I'm finally putting her all back together now that shes dry!!! I MISSED HER AND SHES BACK!! ALSDKFJ;LDSF

3. I took the shower slidy doors off of my... shower (rudundent much!) There was black mold everywhere!!! GROSE and DANGEROUS!!! ew. Now my bathroom smells like mold :'( my mom's going to clean it tomorrow (maybe) and then we'll fill in the screw's holes and put up an awsom shower curtain with suns and moons on it!! :D Ya, it's exciting!!! :3

That's if for now!! Love ya'll!!!

~Rose

Oh!! And One day I'm going to get a can and name it boog-a-boo. That way I can call it Booger. :3

Somethings Wrong

Hmmm... I don't know what it is... but something is deffinitly wrong here. BACKFLASH

Yester- well saturday, I went down with my little brother Matt and played some football with some of the guys (my age) in the neighborhood. (Hunter and Brandon)

First off, lets get something stright. I was HORIBLE at football! If the ball was coming at me too fast I would: throw out my hands, duck, side step it, or scream. BUT that's not the point of this post.

The point is, it came up that I take karate and Brandon, who is a big ass (<~ sorry!) football player, asked to fight me. I said sure, got in a stance, and waited for him to attack. Now it ended up to be a wrestling match.

The rules were: No punching, No kicking, and you have to pin the other person down for three seconds.

I pinned him down for a second, but he was able to come right back up so he said "Can I add to the rules that to win you have to straddle the other person" and I, not thinking anything of it at the time said "sure" and now I feel, two days later, that something is very wrong with what happened.

BIG REVEAL: When I was six I was molested by a black boy named Maguel. You can get details on that if you want (there is nothing wrong with asking for details it's not like I'm going to go all reated R on you guys) Just ask.

So back to the story, I think I was just volentarily molested, again. WHAA??? I know! It was wrestling!! (I LOVE to fight!! It is SOSOSO much fun to me! And I hadn't in a while so I was all for a wrestling match)

You see, I think this because I almost always had him pinned. I do like to think that I'm 'just that good' but he was a big ol' guy and I'm just a boney little girl. He could probably of had me pinned, though when he tryed to pin me I went all ninja on his butt and got right out of it...

I don't know, but I feel violated, a little lot. *sigh* no more wrestling for me :( oh well, it's a small price to pay to feel secure. Well if I ever wrestle again it will involve Eli... (NO SEX i've chosen abstinance. As in, only my husband will get to see that... side of me.) Or Autumn, she puts up a hell of a fight!! Except she tickles! Whick by the way is CHEATING.

Well I'm done now, hope I didn't freak y'all out. And if you think I should delete this post PLEASE say so. Thanks! Later!

~Rose

Day one of bleh

Hello my lovely's!! I am BACK! :) I guess you're wondering what's hapenedsince I last made an appearence. Well, the light shined down upon me and he good lord himself gave me my happiness back.

Alright, so I'm exaggerating a bit! (but that would be pretty cool!) Here's what's really happpened:

The last time I went to school was on September 9th. It was a wensday (<- I hate spelling that word!) I had a doctors appointment that morning, so I came in at around twelve. Now, Wensdays at my school are only half days, so I arrived at sixth period.

My mom, my counceler, and the vice principal assigned to the last name L-P all made me go to sixth period. I didn't even make it there! On my way down the hallway (that branches off to another hallway that branches off to another that leads to my Honors Bio class. Basically, this was the first hallway right outside the office) I stopped, nearly burst into tears, and seed walked to the nearest bathroom.

In the bathroom I called my mom, and... she didn't pick up. I waited about five minuets for her to return my call but she never did, so I went back to the office.

When I walked in I saw a little sign hanging on the door knob that leads to the nurses office, and that little sign simply stated that "the nurse is out". Keeping my cool I took a deep breath and just stared at that sign before slowly turning away. And, like a fairy god mother, a different vice principal, assigned to some different letters, asked me if I was ok.

That's how I found myself in a chair outside the nurses office. Sadly, people like to know your business, so I had to tell her that I have been majorly depressed. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face when I told her that, "yes I've been sick, but it's been completely mental."

The look on her face made me think of myself as a kicked puppy! It made me feel vonerable, so I closed up right away. She kept that look on her face the whole time I was talking to her... I guess I'll forever be a mental case in her mind. Oh well.

So! Ok, back to the chair outside the nurses office! Everyone came to join me! First it was my counceler, then my mom, (did I mention that she did finally call back? Well she did, right as I was talking to the puppy lady, so I got a lovely little speach about how I need to call from the office) and lastly the vp L-P guy showed up. they all refused to let me go home. I had to go to seventh period (band).

I didn't beg, but I kept pointing out things that would keep me from going, I didn't have to right shoes, I didn't have shorts and it was hot outside, I didn't have socks, I don't have my piccolo, I don't have my music, etc. So my lovely mom saved the day *sarcasm* She went home, got all that stuff, and brought it back to me.

All the while leaving me to sit in a seperate office that's dedicated to giving kids the stuff their parents bring them. The bell rang before I got my bag o' stuff, and everyone began swapping classes. Mom arrived, I got my stuff, and I went on my way to the band room.

BUT I made a permenate stop to a different bathroom. I waited in the largest stall, huddled up in a tight ball in the corner, and cried untill the bell rang again, signifying I was free to go.

I went out of my stall and ran into my friend Alana. We don't see each other much, but I freaked out a little when I saw her. I kept reminding myself that she didn't know that I had skipped class, and that noone knew I was even at school except for two people, my counceler and the VP L-P. I left the bathroom and kept my head down; I walked through a large crowd of people, and no one paid me any notice!  I made it out of there and to the libiary with not a single glance in my direction :3

Once at the libiary, I started my first day of volenteering. And life went on.

So there you have it! Day one of utter bleh. It was quite interesting! Well, I'll give you guys more later :) love you all!!

~Rose

Idea!

Alright so I just saw a YJ thing and i'm freaking out!! So I'll make this quick!!!

If one day eli, or a different boyfriend, cheats on me, then i am going to collect a long  bunch of videos of us, pictures of us, etc. and morph it into a long video!

But, throughout that video there will be music >:) and the music will be a compination of songs, so not just one song, but many songs!!! :D and then I'll give it to him in a cd and post a different copy on facebook!!! >:D

I AM THE GREATIEST!!!

So a quick update after that, I'm doing homebound schooling now, at least for a while. Which is nice cause it cuts off on a ton of pressure!!

AND sorry for taking so long to write :( I've been dealing with depression, and my medication. Everything is whikide-wack yo

~Rose

Healing

When you feel suicidal, TALK TO SOMEONE

Me: U still up?

James: Yes i am

Me: Did you mean it when u said i could talk to u about anything?

James: Of course... You need help?

Me: U promise u wont say a word to ANYONE?

James: Yes ma'm

Me: Ok... Well i made a promise to my parents that i would never commit suicide. What if i broke it?

James: Rose, please listen to me. Suicide is something that some people struggle with and some people don't. But it solves nothing.. at all. The only thing it does is hurt the people around you that love you, I've considered it, but I just sat down and REALLY thought about it. Suicide is a cowards way out, I really really really love you too much for you to even consider suicide, and I'm sure your parents do too.

Me: It's just that I've thought about it for so long! I am so SICK of FEELING. I just don't want to anymore!!!!! My damn medicen isn't working and I wont be able to see a stupid doctor about it for a few months. It's just not WORTH it!!! I'm so pissed with myself and the fact that my mind and body can't work right! All I want to do is die and let some more diserving little child with cancer get my heart lungs etc. I would save way more lives then mine is worth.

James: No Rose, it IS worth every second of your life. If I had cancer or any other need for someones help, the last thing I would want to know is that the person took their own life just because they thought nobody loved them! I love you, your parents love you, eli loves you, you have so much to live for, please I really care about you! You dying would really really make my life bad, I've already lost one too many of my friends for you to do this to me! Please...

Me: I wont. I promise. Crosse my heart and hope to.. um fly? =) did someone you know commit suicide?? =(

James: WEll thats just it, i don't know.. She um got in an accident with a bus a few years ago.

Me: Katelins sister =( I met her only a few days before the accedent. We played in the leaves with her sisters...

James: Yes her. I also lost....  *personal so I'm not putting it. he basically just lost people he cared about*

Me: You had a reason to be depressed thought =/ goodness and still do! *hug* you see, I don't! Other then the fact that I'm messed up. Which everyone is so I shouldn't really be upset about it! And then I get upset about how I'm upset and it has a snowball effect -_-

James: You will get through it like everybody else. It's only the people that think nobody loves them or wants them that you read about in the obituary. Your not one of those people, I'll make sure of it, I'll do anything to show that people do love you

Me: I get that people love me. It's just that I don't love me. I hate who I am =(

James: Well I don't! and I've said that before too, I didn't really mean it, I just thought that I did.

Me: I've had teachers tell me that I'm never going to make it in life, and I've had doctors tell me that they don't know what to do with me. In elementry school all of my teachers thought I was retarded. I was abused by a boy my parents babysat. That's a ALL happened before I'm even eighteen. Makes me wonder what in the world is coming next.

James: I've had the same thing said to me, you just mind punch them right in the face and tell you are making in life and you are going to live better then they have *ok sometimes he doesn't make much sense, but you get the point*

Me: I'm just tired of having to prove everyone wrong. =(

James: If that's what it takes, then it's worth it. Remember that suicide is the most mindblowing thing in the world, that someone could be so selfpittiful and selfesh to take their lives from the people that care about htem. Everyone has got to prove people wrong who stand in your way

Me:I promise I won't kill myself. I promise to talk to you, or someone else that cares, if things get thrown out of perspective. Thank you so much <3 now it's twelve thirty and you have school tomorrow! So i'll let you sleep =)

James: Oh and you don't or something? I'll do ANYTHING, even if it's just a hug or something every day, or we could talk every  morning if you want. And I viciously mean it. I will stop at nothing for this.

Me: =) that means the world to me <3 and no I don't. My dad broke me down and I showed him the scars/fresh cuts. No school for me for one or two more days. Mom's orders =/

James: Well I hope it goes well for you! If you need ANYTHING just tell me, okay? Goodnight.. get better okay, for me?

Me: Alright =) i will. Night james. Thanks <3


You're probably thinking the same thing I am right now. 'wow...' so ya, he really really really cares. And wow do I feel tons better :)

As you read, I was busted, I'm staying home for a little while until I can get some help. My teachers know about the crap that's going on (well the physical stuff so far) so I'm good in the whole school department.

I think I fall too easily, cause now I have a crush on James... Lol I'm in so much trouble XD anyways, I want y'all to know, I'm ok, and there will be plenty of more posts for you to read :) I promise that to you guys too <3

Alright, I'm off to play Kingdom Rush! (if you want to play it go to www.onemorelevel.com . It is awesom!)

~Rose

Alright so it's tomorrow now, but I thought this could go with this post

Daddy: Hi Rose. I hope you are feeling better today. I love you so very much and want you to be happy! Your mom and I will NEVER stop the fight against your depression. You are a good person with so much to share with the world and you deserve to be happy. i love being around you and am grateful you are my daughter. -Daddy

Me: Hey Dad =) ya I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm going to try and make a n apple pie! =D I love being around you too. I don't know what I would do without you. You are the best Dad in the world <3 Thank you for your love and support! And I promise I wont stop fighting either =)

Some More Sad Stuff

I don't know what the heck I am any more.
but what I wish I could be is dead. Like a door knob.

Sadly, that isn't going to happen. I am so SICK and TIRED of dealing with crap. What crap? God I don't know. Some of it I might even be coming up with in my head! It might not even real, but what to I know? I suffer from depression and I'm emo.

Whoops! Did I not mention that I cut myself? Oh well I do. I'm pathetic and don't diserve life. I mean, if I did then I wouldn't be having these thoughts.

I just wish that I could give my life to some little kid who's dying of cancer. THEY have a right to live. Those kids are often the strongest people out there, and since I don't have any money... I wish I could give them my life.

Now that's an idea... If I did go through with suicide then I could donate my working body parts to a hosbitle and some kids will be able to life because of my sacrifice.

I wish I was strong enough to go through with it. I wish I was strong enough to do it for those kids, but then again, what kid would want some suicidal bitches organs in them? I know I wouldn't.

I guess I'm just going to keep on learning as much as I can about depression and suicide and phycology and stuff so that I have a better understanding as to what is going on in this scrwed up head of mine.

Untill next time (I promise there will be a next time)
~Rose

Not So Good Anymore

Things don't seem so great anymore. Not like they did just a few hours ago. I think my parents know.

You see, it's a friday, yes? Well, I was planning on going to school today. Go through the whole sha-bang and all that. You know, deal with life and be happy, but... I woak up at eleven and I wasn't at school. I was still lying in bed.

Except this time, I had the covers over me as if someone had placed them that way. My alarm's also didn't go off, none of them.

I don't feel so good about what I did anymore. Now... now I'm scared. I don't know what to expect and I don't really want to find out how this day ends.

If they know what I've done... I, I just don't know what I'll do. It would destroy them if they knew! Ugh, I so should have swapped into the longer pj pants -_- I'm such a idiot. *sigh* Oh well, I'll keep you posted.

~Rose

Big step

I wasn't going to blog about this, but since I feel so much better now, and you people are following my life, I figured 'hey, this is a pretty big step for me. I should really share it!"

So you're probably expecting this to be like omg Eli kissed me or something. Well it's not. I took the next step in the whole depression cycle! Don't understant what I'm saying? Then read on.

Alright, truth be told, I've never actually done this the right way before, but today, after a big pep-down talk to myself I decided that it's better then suicide!

You see, a while back, like end of last year back, I was really upset about not being able to go swimming with my friends. I was so upset cause I had been cooped up in my house for so long, and so sick and tired of everything that when my parents told me I couldn't go I holed up in the bathroom and cryed.

That's when I first did it. I took a pare of tweasers and dug into my left wrist. The pain helped me feel so much better! The best part was, no one expected a thing! I still have the scar, and nobody really notices it (that might be because of the watch I wear all the time...) those who do I just tell them that I got an owie from walking in the woods and they buy it!

So this time I did it right. If you need it in black and white (aka if your like me) this whole thing is about me cutting myself. (yes, I am emo... an emo that wares totally awesom cloths)

I made sure it was a lot less noticible this time. I did it high up on my left leg. (I don't really want to kill myself.. well I do it's just that I can't for my family's sake) I made sure I didn't pass the tan line I have from band and tada! I feel so much better :)

Don't worry! It's on the outside of my leg, there was no chance I would hit like a major artery or anything. like I said, I'm not going to kill myself. It's just that... wow, I didn't expect to feel this great afterwords!

I know it sounds awful, and I'll tell my new therapist about it when I feel comfterblem with him/her... You know, right after I get another therapist. Anyways, just thought y'all bloggers would like to know about that. Say what you will, but I do feel a ton better. I'll talk to y'all later

~Rose

Oh and... please don't follow my example. I'm super messed up. You don't have to be. Please. I wish the best for all of you.

Throwing Babies

Here's that story I owe y'all :)

So basically, in one of my eariler posts I mentioned the fact that my friends and I have actually thrown babies before!! Alright lets get this stright, it was baby doll so no need to sue.

It all kind of started with TSA (look in March, it's the last one)
Zumaya did one of the events on medical stuff and for one of her props she had to use a baby doll. When it was all done it looked really cool! It had a tinfoil hat with tubes coming out from all over it.

So ya, cool baby... hee hee I just remembered, when she first brought it in we duck taped it to one of the windows. >:) That poor thing went through a lot! XD

Anyways, after TSA was over and we had decided we weren't going to nationals everyone has to pick up their stuff, props, posterbord, binders, etc. Thats when it really started!

I think she picked up the doll around lunch time. After we all eat we would get to go outside for about five minuets. Throwing things had already started. Carol would loose one of her shoes and we would play keep away... good times <3

You gessed it! Zumaya brought the doll out. Doll + bordom =  catch! duh. So the nerd herd started chucking that baby doll at each other! After a few tosses a group of boys came over and we ended up having to keep it away from them.

I suppose you could compare it to football combined with soccer but without any goals. You know your winning if you have the baby. So anyways, after a very long exciting five minuets the baby had lost its tubing and alluminum hat along with a little baby hand.

This boy named Allen took it home with him (with permission from Zumaya) and a few days later he posted a picture of it on facebook. Ugh :( I can't find it. Anyways, the head had grass stains on it, it had its two legs, and the hand that had come off was stapled back on XD

So yes, my friends and I have thrown babies before :)

~Rose

School:Writing Challenge

Picture standing in a black room. Everything you see is black, everything you hear is black, everything you feel is black, even the scent in the air is black. Don’t say that black is only a color. It isn’t anymore. Not right now. The word, depression, so ugly, is written across your skin embedded in every piece of who you are.  Right now your entire existence revolves around nothing. Everything you think and feel and hope is coated in a dark black blanket.

Now imagine yourself falling. Not quickly though, your eyes slowly close, your head tips back, you spread your arms as if preparing to embrace someone, and then your toes are no longer touching the ground. Your heels soon follow. 

For a moment you feel free, possibly a little sleepy, but then there is a pressure beginning in your chest. It builds, increasing to a point where you choke, a point where words fail you and so do the fragile illusions you have created to keep from going under.

 You open your eyes. You’re sitting on the bathroom counter, tweezers in hand. Your eyes shift to your left wrist and you see a sloped line. It looks like a burn, and it hurts. You through the tweezers down and grab some ointment.

Lucky for you, no one suspects a thing. The world keeps spinning and life moves on. Sometimes you forget what happened, but the watch that wraps around the scar can’t hide what did. You know what you did, and you’re glad it scarred. It’s a reminder now. The watch symbolizes that time can heal all wounds, and the scar reminds you that it’s possible to come back from the edge.

I know you can’t see that from the outside. No one can. Sometimes during my day I will find myself in one of the many school bathrooms curled up in a ball somewhere in the corner crying. I’ll also hit something; I’ll punch or kick a wall and welcome the pain that comes with it. I don’t know… it helps me feel grounded. When it gets really bad I’ll sit and stroke the scar on my wrist whispering to myself that it will be ok.

Before that usually happens though, my friends catch me. Madison has been a doll and has lent her shoulder many a time. I try not to let them know. I really hate it when I bother others about my problems. I used to go to a therapist about the issue, but I really, really hated that. I kind of just made everything look super dandy for about a year and finally she let me go.

I go to a specialist about it also, some kind of doctor. I take medicine and get better. Things haven’t gotten that bad in a very long time, but I can still remember every detail. It’s never really truly gone. When I’m sad it’s usually worse than it has to be. Did I mention that I hate it? Because I do, I really do.

I hope that it goes away some day. I hope I grow out of it and never have to look back. I hope that scientists create some sort of antibiotic that will fix what’s wrong with my brain. The chances of that are slim to none though. Strangely, I’m alright with that.

You see, having depression is part of who I am now. Without it I wouldn’t have built up the lengthy patients I have with people now. Because of my condition, I’ve learned to look from every angle of a situation. I never yell at someone without thinking about where they come from. By the time I’ve thought it all out, the moment has passed and I’ve lost my chance to yell. Usually by that time though I’ve been able to think of a way to turn the situation around, I’ll be kind to them, give them a hug if possible and wish them the best of luck with whatever it is that’s going on in their life.

People are mean for one of two reasons, they are just mean people, or they are blowing off steam. Maybe even three reasons! That could have been how they were raised. Without my condition I would never have considered this. I was a hot tempered little girl with a big mouth. Without depression I probably would have hit the person whoever was making me angry.

Now, imagine everything white, imagine grabbing onto a hand. Your grip is weak, but theirs is strong. You are pulled out of the black abyss you had fallen into and now you stand tall. Gods hand is on your shoulder and his love in your heart. You suddenly know things are going to be alright, and you thank your lucky stars that you were able to tough it out, because now your able to share another day with the family you care so much about. Now you know that it’s ok to be happy.

Birthday recap

So this past friday was my fifteenth birthday :)

and yes, it was totally epic! :D here's how my day went:

I got up at three in the morning and finished all of my homework. Now, this may seem awful, but it was truly wonderful because right when I had gotten home I had crashed.

So ya, I work on homework untill six o'clock and that's when my mom knocks on my door. She was super duper suprised when she found out I was awake!! I usually sleep in until six fourty five! So anyways, she wishes me happy birthday and goes off to take a shower while I finish up my essay about Watership Down.

When I got to school I was bombarded with so many "happy birthdays" that I wanted to hide! Some of my friends even started singing to me!!! It was rather scary really. The periods I remember most were first period, where my 'friend' Haley wouldn't stop singing to me, and she kept shouting to everyone that it was my birthday... She's not my favorite person in the world.

The other period would have to be sixth period. It was short, but the moment I walked in my friend Emma called out to me "happy birthday!!!" My cheeks flushed when everyone else followed suite. But it was nice. :)

Time really flew inbetween the last few moments of school to the beginning of the football game. What I do remember though is that I spent about two hours cleaning my room rocking out to my i-tunes <3 alright, at least thirty minuets of all cleaning was me dancing around singing into my imaginary microphone!! The important part is that the job got done.

During the football game things were epic x 10!!! Our pregame was a huge hit and I almost played the national anthom from memory without many mistakes and the croud went absoutly wild during the hey cheer!!! The only thing that was bad about all that was during one of my sets one of the percussion hit me in the back with their drum!! Now THAT hurts!

When half time came around we were all stoked to play our whole show! We had spent so much time working on it the past week and it was our first time playing it for anyone! But then the rival band took up all of our time and we didn't get to play our last (best) song. Stupid other team. -_-

It wasn't even marching for them!! They were having technocal difficuties!! THAT SO SHOULDN'T HAPPEN IN MARCHING BAND!!! Alright, better. Anyways, they had a space show, it was really flashie, had smoke, and long cloth rocket ship, a backdrop, and a voice over counting down to one. You could hardly even hear the band.

Ok better :)

So after the game eight of my friends came over to my house and stayed the night! Instead of birthday cake we had birthday pie!!!! :D We went down the street to play flashlight tag with the guys, cracked a bunch of racist joaks with our new awesom black friend Riley and had a great time! (alright, having a black friend is so awesom. I seriously love Riley and we all have so much fun with the racism joakes!!! Like she'll go blind around us and we can't see her at night. so ya, best chick ever)

So yep, I basically stayed up for my whole birthday. all twenty four hours of it!! It was well worth it though :) I love spending time with my friends and them being there for my birthday ment the world to me <3

Did I mention only one of them brought a gift? The rest came with excusies... Yep, we're deffinitly all best friends! XD alright, that's all! Love you guys!

~Rose

*Aww! thanks for reading all of that!!! Ya I know it's long... But hey, it's shorter then it could have been!

By the way, I'll give you the throwing babys story later :)

Boy Friend love, and Update

Do something for me please? Forget everything I've ever said about douting my relationship with Eli. :)

This is rather terrifying, but I think I am 100% truly in love with him <3 I was douting it this morning, but then I held his hand and everything just felt... right.

Of couse last year we were flirting like, every day so this guy named Cole saw us holding hands and he gets all excited shouting "I KNEW IT!!!! I knew this would happen!! I so called it!!!"

The best thing is, I wasn't bothered by this in the least! I usually get really red in the cheeks and my ears get warm and my nose looks like something out of  a christmas special. I really love him. Truly and forever.

On a different note, I have a few random updates on my life!

Like today I had my second tuba lesson and I can get down to a low Bb (B flat) :D it's so much better then I could do at our last lesson!!! AND I DIDN'T EVEN PRACTICE!! WOOP WOOP!
Our lesson today was awesom, it lasted three hours and we got in maybe two hours of practice? Maybe less? XD ya apparently tubas are insainly perverted... which makes everything more awesom, and stuff (band thing)  ;)

On friday we have a home game! Also friday September 7th is a pretty epic day for me. Lets just say I'm so getting my permit soon. I will drive!!

XD I can just see everyone skattering and screaming shouting OH NO!!! And then theres all these buildings on fire and a volcano is errupting and a meator is heading twords earth and I'm crashing into mailboxes...

So if you didn't get that, friday's my 15th birthday :D I'm having this huge sleepover with eight people, now lots will say thats a horrible Idea, but they are wrong all the people that are coming are in the nerd herd! There have been some new additions :) Right now it consists of nine people

Me
Autumn
Zumaya
Madison
Skylar
Riley
Wen
Courtnie
Carol

This friday is going to be wild. Like... people will be throwing baby's wild (and yes, we've done that before, thrown babies. But that's another story for another time! If you want to hear it just say so in the comments and you'll recieve!)

I'll update sometime during this weekend! See you then!
~Rose

Sleep

So I finally figured out my perfect sleep scedual!

Go to bed around 1:00/1:30am and wake up around 10:30/11:00am

It totally sucks that the rest of the world doesn't work on this scedual -_-

I've always had difficulty with sleeping! I get sick when I don't get enough sleep, and if I get too much I'm a zombie! It's insainly difficult for me to fix my sleep scedual. (the one everyone wants me to have) *wake up 6:30/7:00am go to bed 9:30/10:00* I've never been able to get it right.

But, three days of being sick, and a three day weekend put me back on my body's scedual. Now you see, this sucks roylaly because tomorrow I have to go to school. I only get tonight and the morning to get back on everyone elses scedual. Oh and it's... *looks at clock* 2am... haha, crap.

Tomorrow's my 'do all make up homework' day. I had my cleaning day on saturday... In three hours of working I only got one bathroom clean. Today was my relax and be extreemly bord day. I really just want to bang my head against a wall until I black out. Cause then I wouldn't have to worry about anything until I came to!

My mom wanted me to turn off all electronics at nine... XD wow I really messed up! I'm going to get ready for bed now. Goodnight! Or... goodmorning?

~Rose

p.s. hmmm... no ones going to comment or respond to this because it isn't about my love life, or super depressing. Or, yall see this then you'll want to prove me wrong and post something... YEP being a  psychologist is NOT in my future!

To my followers

You people are amazing :) the support you give me helps me get through the rough times in my life <3 This blog is really more of a diary then anything!

I've always wanted to keep a diary, but I hated the fact that no one would know how I felt. Sure, it has my secretes, but other people have secretes just like I do! And a lot of people share the same problems :)

Thank you so much for everything!! <3

~Rose

See that jar over there? the one with my heart in it? *Push*

One thing that i've been meaning to talk about is the fact (and this terrifyed me) that after my first football game. After playing in the bleachers. I don't actually PLAY football, I play piccolo.

ANYWAYS there's this girl and her name is Ally, shes one of my close uperclassmen friends, (we shared a dorm together during band camp) I was goofing off with her, being super extra girly, when it hit me... BAM just like that. My heart grew ten times, my cheeks flushed, and I wanted to kiss her. Right then and there.

I hid it of course, I got on that bus and drew into myself before anyone could notice anything different about me. Like the fact that I really wanted to kiss a girl.. I'M A GIRL!!!

No, I don't exactly really feel that way now, but I can still recall that feeling. It was... well it was an amazing feeling! Like falling in love!! It would have been perfect if it werent for the fact that it scared me to death! I just... couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that I suddenly wanted a girlfriend.

I've pushed that feeling away to the deepest corners of my mind, and it's deffinitly not going to happen, but I started to wonder, 'Do I like girls more then I like boys?' Even if I did, there's no way I would (I don't know how to describe it so here,) give into that want.

Do you have any idea what crap I would have to put up with if I did? I don't like not fitting in, and the fact that I even thought about that for a second... It really scares me :( I'm not going to let myself feel that way, but, what if I only feel that sort of way around girls?

I, personally, think that guys just don't care about us girls. I mean if I were that way then I would have someone that truly understood me. I've seen a couple, like that, and they were absoutly adorible! These thoughts keep creeping back into my mind, and they really make me question myself.

My boyfriend kissed me on the cheek, and I want to kiss Ally. *smacks forhead* I've always had an easier time hanging out with guys too 0_0 I don't know what to think really. I'm just going to give it time... But.. Advice??? Please????????

~Rose

Mom, Dad, Thank you.

I can't even express in words how much I love my parents. If I tryed it would probably sound something like this

Mom,
I'm sorry in sixth grade when you would help me with my math homework and it would end up an epic showdown of who could piss off who more. But I want you to know, that every hurtful word we've ever said to eachother... I can't even remember them now.

What I do remember is:
You would always be the shoulder I cryed on.
No matter how bad things got for me, you were there.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that if I was hurt by someone, you would stop the world and kick their sorry ass.
I know you love me, I know you care, and I wouldn't be able to live without you.

Thankyou mom, for everything you've done for me, and I know I say this everyday... but you should deffinitly hear it again. I love you.


Dad,
The mistakes you've made in your life, the mistakes that you've told me about, they don't matter to me. You are amazing. I can't even begin to express how much you mean to me. The sacrifices you've made to keep this family on the ground are substancial.

When I was little, too little to really remember, I looked up to you because you were my everything. To me, you were the greatest super hero there ever was, even better then batman.

I want you to know that I still think of you that way, and no matter what life throws at our family, I'm here to help now too. I'll be your sidekick.

I love you daddy, more then pb&j, the internet, and bubble gum. Thanks for being my superhero.


There is so much more to say, so much that I haven't written down. I want you to know that my love for you two isn't able to be written in black and white. There are shades of gray, and only you two can see them. Only you two can know in your heart of hearts how much I really care.

~Rose

Failure

There right you know, about me. I don’t even know if I’m sick anymore, or if I just don’t want to go to school… All my teachers that said I will never make it? There probably right. I wouldn’t be surprised. I waste my time holed up in my room, sick.

I don’t even know if I really am sick. I probably am not. I’m probably fine, and I’m just ditching class. So what if I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. Other kids in my school puke in the morning, and still make it on time, ready to go, to learn. Me on the other hand, I’m nothing like that.

I’m pathetic. I’m worthless. I am nothing of importance. Not real importance. In this world I’m hardly a spec. hardly anything. If I don’t make it no one will know. My name won’t go down in the history books proclaiming my failure to be someone. I am of no importance in the greater scheme of things.

My feelings matter about as much as knowing the exact number of ants in a colony. I matter as much as an electron.

I am the electron that jumps form the door handle to your skin. I am the tiny partial that gives you that startling shock. I am what you try and stay away from. I am the reason you go down plastic slides on your feet, so each bolt you touch won’t hurt you.

I am the dust between your keyboards. I’m a nuisance, but I’m also hardly noticed. At any given chance you would clean me out, and I would be gone. No one would notice, or care. No one would think twice about the speck of dust that had been ripped away from where it rests.

 I would no longer hear the clicking of the keys as you type out your message. I would no longer feel safe. I wouldn’t be tucked safely away where no harm would come. I would be exposed, and demolished, replaced by a different speck of dust that would eventually settle where I once rested. I do not matter.

I am no one. Yet, I have a name. They call me Rose where I live, well… those who notice. Some don’t even know my name. Some don’t even see me as I pass by. Not even those who I see as friends. I do not matter. I am nothing.

I am worthless. They were right when they said I would never make it. I’m tardy to school already in the first three weeks of high school. I’m also absent one of those days. I will inevitably fall behind. I will fail, and fail again. There is no happy ending for me. There is nothing for me.

They are right. I will never make it in this life. I will fail, just as predicted.

Staying home

Hey guys. I was sick today :(

I have no idea what it is really... This morning I woak up and did everything I needed to. I left with my mom and brother to get Matthew to school. Then my mom and I went to pick up my special musician earplugs that cost a crap load of money.

On the way back though, depression hit. Hard. I started freaking out in the back seat. I didn't let my mom in on what was going on in my messed up head of mine until we got close to home. I spoke up then and voiced the fact that I didn't want to go to school. Of course she was a good parent and said everything a normal mom would.

It ranged from "well sweety, you have to go to school." to "You're going to school. If you still don't feel good then call me in an hour." when I pressed the issue. The worst part was, it wasn't just depression! My head was doing this weird thing, but I'm used to my head causing intense pain. What really bothered me was the fact that I felt sick to my stomach.

I felt like I was gagging on this lump in my throat that I just couldn't swallow. The more I ignored it, the more sick I felt! It was a never ending circle of ouch. :( I pushed though it though. for like... thirty minuets. Then I called my mom and high tailed it out of there. Once I got home I read Onyx for an hour or two and fell asleep.

I drempt a little, but the only thing that comes to mind when I try and remember what happend in the dream is little baby chickens... Ya, I don't even know. Anyways, when I woak up I went stright back to reading.

 I love Obsidian and all (sorry! I'm going to rant about Onyx for a bit. Hang in there!) but Onyx just didn't have that same... feel to it. Everything was so sad and rushed! It felt like reading Ink Heart all over again! Please Jennifer, give your amazing series a happy ending!!! I will DIE if it doesn't!!! Ok back to my crap tastic day.

So I finished Onyx and looked at the clock. BAM it was midnight. 'Oh shoot' I thought, 'I'm not even tired!' then I relized that no one had come into check on me :( Hello?? I'm sick in here!!! But no, they all went to bed. So I'm sick and lonely. I can feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, begging to be shed. But crying doesn't solve anything. So I wont.

~Rose

Kiss: part two

So I talked to him about that kiss and he felt so awful for kissing me before I was ready!! He kept apologising and oh my goodness I don't even know how I ever wanted to dump him! I seriously have some relationship bipolor...

I think I'll just give y'all the conversation!

Me: Hey! Sorry mondays are karate days =)

Eli: That's fine! How was your day?

Me: It was good =)

Eli: So whatcha doing now beautiful?

Me: Hw =/

Eli:Aw that stinks, what kinda homework?

Me: All of it! And then some -_-

Eli: Ugh that stinks! I gotta go to bed, lov eyou! Love love love. Good night

Me: No nonononononononono!!! I need to talk to you about that kiss... Um... I'm not ready for kissing yet... No kissing

Eli: Okay. That's fine, I'm just really nervous and I love you so much I can't bear to live without you. Sorry, sorry sorry sorry. I love you!

Me: You don't have to be sorry =) just please don't spring suprise kisses on me.

Eli: I feel so bad now! I'm a horrible boyfriend :'( I'm horrible! the worst!

Me: No you're adorible <3 I'm just not ready!!! You do not have to feel bad about this!!!

Eli: But I do! I'm horrible your too good for me! I'm horrible! Horrible!

Me: Goodness!!! Calm down Eli!!!!! You're FINE would you rather I not tell you these things??????

Eli: No, I want you to! I don't want to ruin my first love! I love you and I want you to tell me everything!

Me: Well then I will! =) you just can't freak out kay??? I'm not upset with you or anything!!! In fact I think it's adorible that you care so much!!!! <3 I love you so much and you do NOT need to worry about doing something wrong! I'll tell you my limmets!

Eli: Ok, I love you too! So so so so so so much!

Me: =) oh and can you not ask hannah questions about us? Like what I think of you and all tahat? She will answer, be shes so eger to please that she gets really stressed and just gets really upset. So please only talk to her about things other then us please??

Eli: Okay, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong or right. Love you! Nightynight my beautiful girlfriend! Love you!

Me: You can always ask me.. =) I AM your girlfriend... =) I love you! <3 night!!! I'll meet you in dream land!

Eli: Its a date!

Me: Can't wait!!! Night!!!

Eli: Night!!!!!!

Kiss

Today I was thinking, I probably wont post anything new because it's a monday, and nothing interesting happens on a monday. Heh heh, WRONG!

Did you katch the title? Kiss?  Ya well Eli kissed me! gosh guys, on the cheek!!! You people are so nasty. Anyways, HE FREAKING KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK!!!

Now, I should be happy right? Again, WRONG i've been thinking about dumping him because I just seriously can never have a boyfriend for very long cause.. well I have a short attention span! I've even been checking out other guys. Oh ya the kiss? You want to know about that? Alright then.

So the school bell rang and I was all like YES FREEDOM cause it was hot and all and I wanted to go home! Well, I went to go meet Eli in our usual spot and he was there... Taylor was there as well along with his friend.. shoot forgot his name, not important! After a while I was board and said "hey I'm going to see if I can find Madison. Eli of course gives me a hug, and right before I release from his hold he kisses me. On the cheek.

My dear friends, it was not romantic at all. It was a split decision on his part! I could tell cause his nose dug into my ear! (ok not really my ear kind of that place where the jaw bone ends.) It hurt :( and then the WORST part was that... It was wet and sloppy and my cheek was covered in his *gags*. I can't finish.

Ugh I fell like I'm going to through up!!!

My reaction? I got out of that hug! Backed into Taylor, she said something about being rude, and walked away. Quickly. I was waiting for nothing. The lama could have just walked through the front doors and I wouldn't have noticed.

I don't even think he realized! Stupid boys. -_- I think I might break up with him. Soon... Or not so soon... I don't want to date him any more...

But he already spent some of his money on my birthday present! I can't have him waisting money on me! I just can't do it!! Ya I know I'm grasping at straws here, but i don't want to hurt him. I also don't exactly want to date him at all... any more... forever... and ever... Alright I'll do it tomorrow morning.

Ugh I'm a horrible person!!!
I'm going to go bang my head against a wall now. Later peeps.
~Rose

What the hell?

Oh my goodness! I can't stop thinking about Sam... I just...CAN'T!

And the deal is, he's a senior that I met at band camp, yes, I've said to Eli that I love him. But when I think about it really hard... I don't. I said it because he said it first, and that's what's expected of me. Oh and then there's James. (no conflicted feelings about him! He's just my buddy)

James is my sassy gay friend who isn't really gay, and I'm starting to wonder if he has a crush on me! Oh my god I'm so messed up!! And it's only freshman year... O_o I'm so dead

The thing is that I'm horrible at telling if people like me or not! I just can't do it!!!

Now, James made a reference that Sam liked me, but then he freaked out and was all like 'no wait!! He dons't like you that way! I didn't mean for it to come out like that!' And I'm just like,well shoot... What do I think now???

When I'm trying to fall asleep I find myself thinking of Sam more then Eli. I'm always thinking how I'm being so awkward around him! I always seem to mess up in some way. (Not that that's limited to only him. I just say socially awkward things at random times to everyone. Including teachers... ugh)

Example:
(little history)
the way we met was that at band camp he always seemed to be where I was, someone pointed out that he was stalking me (he wasn't it was totally coincidental) and it just kind of became our thing (dear lord do you hear me!?!? 'our thing' I'm so scrwed) even now that school has started he just seems to always be RIGHT THERE. It's pretty funny, but after the football game yesterday he just showed up next to me and was like "I'm not doing this on purpose I swear" so I said "ya we have to stop meeting like this!" he said "so we should plan it?"
I totally did not grasp what had just escaped my lips *face palm* of course me, being my awkward self, went on about how if we did plan it then we probably would never see each other. It would be like some crazy rivirse phycology thing.

When I think about it some more I relize that, I don't 'love' Eli, and I'm pretty sure its wacked out hormones that are all obssessed with Sam. Ugh but Sam has ABS.

Dear lord I even pointed out that he had a happy trail... -_- I so don't understand half the words I say. OK!?!? I just read something about a happy trail in a book so when I saw that Sam had a happy trail it reminded me of Daemon... *shivers* Daemon <3

Back to the point!!!! Yes, I am an idiot. A very awkward idiot. Who thinks sex is cool and terrifying cause it creates life! And... well ya. So I'm deffinitly a conflicted hormonal teen.

Mmmmm Daemon ;) ya read Obsidian by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Love y'all
~Rose

Good morning...

Ya, good morning? I don't think so!! I couldn't get up!! It was the, I can't even keep my eyes open, kind of sleepy. Of course I did manage to get up, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this...

Well, when I did get up Matthew, my brother, had taken over the bathroom! My glasses and contacts were in there so for about twenty minuets I had to get dressed and make two pb&j's blind. It sucked.

When I finally did get into the bathroom everyone was rushing me! I just shouted at them that I'm huring. It kind of got them off my back.

Well, the next thing that went wrong is that my mom can't find the keys to my dad's truck. Her car broke down, so he is out only means of transportation! And we can't find the keys. There still looking for them now... And I'm writing this because I'm about to break down into a puddle of wet goo. (aka cry)

My girl issues started last night, so my emotions are out of controll. I'm so pissed... *sigh* Wish us luck. I'm already late for school... -_-

~Rose

I really should be doing my homework right now...

BUT I'M NOT!!!

Yep I'm sure all of you can relate ;) I just spent like, four hours with Madison at the libiary working on our Watership Down project... working being a relative term of course :) alright, this is how it really went

after school we walked down to the libiary (Madison's bf was with us and there ADORIBLE, so I now approve) and the three boys that are supposed to help us with it were a no show. Turns out we all had a different libiary in mind. Anyways, there the ones that keep madison and I on task! So for about two hours we sat there talking about everything, and then exploring the libiary!

While we were exploring we each found seven books to check out, and we filled out a volenteer sheet! XD We just can't work together!!!

We got to work after that but Autumn came over and we got into a discussion with her... We did finish though! At the very end we figured out that we could talk into her I phone and it would write what we said, we could have been done in half the time if we had known that! That's it for Watership Down...

Ok so this morning I was late to school (the second day in a row) because my mom's car wouldn't start up! Now we need to get a new car for her, but we're still in debt! It's going to be about six more months before we can finally be free.

We'll manage though :) Ok I'm going to go do that homework now! (hmm... It looks as if the internet says otherwise...)

Later!
~Rose

Party on the 8th

Hey my wonderful followers! Guess what!?!?!?

After band practice today, I was invited to an upper classmen party!!! :D You know what she said??? She said "Hey, make sure your calender stays open for september 8th cause I'm throwing a party and You're invited. Oh and I'm not inviting very many freashmen... only the cool ones."

Of course I played it cool and said 'alright' with a smile, but on the inside I was totally flipping out!!! I can't get it out of my head!!!! I'M ONE OF THE COOL FRESHMAN!!! :D I'm so dang happy! So... ya do band :)

Love y'all!
~Rose

*P.s. I started reading Onyx by Jennifer Armentrount today! Of course Madison totally spoiled all of it, but it's still amazing!!!!! so, THANKS JENNIFER for an amazing book :) the release date has been on my calender since like... January... It's safe to say I'm obsessed. Alright! Later!!

Monday and Texting

For a monday, today was pretty good :) Nothing special really happened, I mean my science class watched some animal porn today. Scuse me, I mean we watched science videos that scard me for life.

I got absoutly NO sleep last night! I was up untill twelve reading some good old Young Justice Fan Fiction! Yes I one of those people, but really, YJ fan fiction is the only fan fiction I can really read! All others make me really angry. I can NOT get enough of Spitfire! Aka, wally and artemis!!! They're so freaking adorible together and I love them!!!

I kind of gave up on my childhood crush, robbin, because hes taken... It was upsetting! As I said, nothing really happened so I'm just going to give you guys a convo Hannah and I had.

Hannah had just leaft my house and I was heartbroken!
*Our twitter names will be used in this so if u want to you can go and follow one of us! We both follow back :)
*During Hannah's two week stay I slept on the floor. I refused to take the bed! Sorry, but I'm just against sleeping on my bed while my friends are sleeping on the floor
*The whole money thing is because Hannah and I spent our money on supplys to make book purses! It was super duper fun! But, none of them sold! :'( There ten dollars each so if u want one... I can hook u up! ;)
*The last sentence in this thing is a quote from Ghost in the Stalls, If you haven't seen it then you must go to youtube now because I just die each time I watch it!! It's by Olan Rodgers :) Kay! Read on... If you dare >:)

Me – Hannah come back! You can blame it all on me!!! XD

Hannah – OK OK I’M COMING

Me (to twitter) – Now what am I going to do… #IHateGoodbyes

Me – Yay! =D but I get the bed *stern look*

Hannah – Ughhhhh fine e_e

Me – Hahaha! : ) I miss u : (

Hannah – I miss you too : (

Me - *sight* we’ll see each other again though!!! I promise!!!

Hannah - @Hannah_LeReveur: RT @Lollipop_sp: Now what am I going to do… #IHateGoodbyes

Hannah – Duh!!!

Me - =D At least were going to get some money now!!! =D

Hannah – YEAH :D

Me -  I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in! <3 =D

Hannah – Me either!! :D you’d better send me that money >:/

Me – Gee calm down e_e you know me better then anyone! And what do you think I’ll do hmm?

Hannah – I’m kidding : ) but seriously, the money. : )

Me – Ya ya yaaa = ) you sound like some kind of drug dealer or something e_e

Hannah -  XD the money. You got it? *sneaky face*

Me – Ya, you got the stuff? I want to see the stuff first *game face*

Hannah -  I already gave you the stuff. Now I want ma dang money! *pulls gun*

Me - *Takes gun, emptys bullets, hands it back to you* I don’t know what you’re talking about ;) *walks off*

Hannah - >:O

Me - *flips hair*

Hannah - *Pulls knife and stabs you*

Me – (gee you’re an amazing bestie e_e) *knife hits bullet proof vest and stopps short of penetration* *my mucle comes out* ha ha ha! Now what are you going to do!? I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!


Alright! Rose OUT
PEACE XD I make myself laugh *snicker snicker*