Idea!

Alright so I just saw a YJ thing and i'm freaking out!! So I'll make this quick!!!

If one day eli, or a different boyfriend, cheats on me, then i am going to collect a long  bunch of videos of us, pictures of us, etc. and morph it into a long video!

But, throughout that video there will be music >:) and the music will be a compination of songs, so not just one song, but many songs!!! :D and then I'll give it to him in a cd and post a different copy on facebook!!! >:D

I AM THE GREATIEST!!!

So a quick update after that, I'm doing homebound schooling now, at least for a while. Which is nice cause it cuts off on a ton of pressure!!

AND sorry for taking so long to write :( I've been dealing with depression, and my medication. Everything is whikide-wack yo

~Rose

Healing

When you feel suicidal, TALK TO SOMEONE

Me: U still up?

James: Yes i am

Me: Did you mean it when u said i could talk to u about anything?

James: Of course... You need help?

Me: U promise u wont say a word to ANYONE?

James: Yes ma'm

Me: Ok... Well i made a promise to my parents that i would never commit suicide. What if i broke it?

James: Rose, please listen to me. Suicide is something that some people struggle with and some people don't. But it solves nothing.. at all. The only thing it does is hurt the people around you that love you, I've considered it, but I just sat down and REALLY thought about it. Suicide is a cowards way out, I really really really love you too much for you to even consider suicide, and I'm sure your parents do too.

Me: It's just that I've thought about it for so long! I am so SICK of FEELING. I just don't want to anymore!!!!! My damn medicen isn't working and I wont be able to see a stupid doctor about it for a few months. It's just not WORTH it!!! I'm so pissed with myself and the fact that my mind and body can't work right! All I want to do is die and let some more diserving little child with cancer get my heart lungs etc. I would save way more lives then mine is worth.

James: No Rose, it IS worth every second of your life. If I had cancer or any other need for someones help, the last thing I would want to know is that the person took their own life just because they thought nobody loved them! I love you, your parents love you, eli loves you, you have so much to live for, please I really care about you! You dying would really really make my life bad, I've already lost one too many of my friends for you to do this to me! Please...

Me: I wont. I promise. Crosse my heart and hope to.. um fly? =) did someone you know commit suicide?? =(

James: WEll thats just it, i don't know.. She um got in an accident with a bus a few years ago.

Me: Katelins sister =( I met her only a few days before the accedent. We played in the leaves with her sisters...

James: Yes her. I also lost....  *personal so I'm not putting it. he basically just lost people he cared about*

Me: You had a reason to be depressed thought =/ goodness and still do! *hug* you see, I don't! Other then the fact that I'm messed up. Which everyone is so I shouldn't really be upset about it! And then I get upset about how I'm upset and it has a snowball effect -_-

James: You will get through it like everybody else. It's only the people that think nobody loves them or wants them that you read about in the obituary. Your not one of those people, I'll make sure of it, I'll do anything to show that people do love you

Me: I get that people love me. It's just that I don't love me. I hate who I am =(

James: Well I don't! and I've said that before too, I didn't really mean it, I just thought that I did.

Me: I've had teachers tell me that I'm never going to make it in life, and I've had doctors tell me that they don't know what to do with me. In elementry school all of my teachers thought I was retarded. I was abused by a boy my parents babysat. That's a ALL happened before I'm even eighteen. Makes me wonder what in the world is coming next.

James: I've had the same thing said to me, you just mind punch them right in the face and tell you are making in life and you are going to live better then they have *ok sometimes he doesn't make much sense, but you get the point*

Me: I'm just tired of having to prove everyone wrong. =(

James: If that's what it takes, then it's worth it. Remember that suicide is the most mindblowing thing in the world, that someone could be so selfpittiful and selfesh to take their lives from the people that care about htem. Everyone has got to prove people wrong who stand in your way

Me:I promise I won't kill myself. I promise to talk to you, or someone else that cares, if things get thrown out of perspective. Thank you so much <3 now it's twelve thirty and you have school tomorrow! So i'll let you sleep =)

James: Oh and you don't or something? I'll do ANYTHING, even if it's just a hug or something every day, or we could talk every  morning if you want. And I viciously mean it. I will stop at nothing for this.

Me: =) that means the world to me <3 and no I don't. My dad broke me down and I showed him the scars/fresh cuts. No school for me for one or two more days. Mom's orders =/

James: Well I hope it goes well for you! If you need ANYTHING just tell me, okay? Goodnight.. get better okay, for me?

Me: Alright =) i will. Night james. Thanks <3


You're probably thinking the same thing I am right now. 'wow...' so ya, he really really really cares. And wow do I feel tons better :)

As you read, I was busted, I'm staying home for a little while until I can get some help. My teachers know about the crap that's going on (well the physical stuff so far) so I'm good in the whole school department.

I think I fall too easily, cause now I have a crush on James... Lol I'm in so much trouble XD anyways, I want y'all to know, I'm ok, and there will be plenty of more posts for you to read :) I promise that to you guys too <3

Alright, I'm off to play Kingdom Rush! (if you want to play it go to www.onemorelevel.com . It is awesom!)

~Rose

Alright so it's tomorrow now, but I thought this could go with this post

Daddy: Hi Rose. I hope you are feeling better today. I love you so very much and want you to be happy! Your mom and I will NEVER stop the fight against your depression. You are a good person with so much to share with the world and you deserve to be happy. i love being around you and am grateful you are my daughter. -Daddy

Me: Hey Dad =) ya I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm going to try and make a n apple pie! =D I love being around you too. I don't know what I would do without you. You are the best Dad in the world <3 Thank you for your love and support! And I promise I wont stop fighting either =)

Some More Sad Stuff

I don't know what the heck I am any more.
but what I wish I could be is dead. Like a door knob.

Sadly, that isn't going to happen. I am so SICK and TIRED of dealing with crap. What crap? God I don't know. Some of it I might even be coming up with in my head! It might not even real, but what to I know? I suffer from depression and I'm emo.

Whoops! Did I not mention that I cut myself? Oh well I do. I'm pathetic and don't diserve life. I mean, if I did then I wouldn't be having these thoughts.

I just wish that I could give my life to some little kid who's dying of cancer. THEY have a right to live. Those kids are often the strongest people out there, and since I don't have any money... I wish I could give them my life.

Now that's an idea... If I did go through with suicide then I could donate my working body parts to a hosbitle and some kids will be able to life because of my sacrifice.

I wish I was strong enough to go through with it. I wish I was strong enough to do it for those kids, but then again, what kid would want some suicidal bitches organs in them? I know I wouldn't.

I guess I'm just going to keep on learning as much as I can about depression and suicide and phycology and stuff so that I have a better understanding as to what is going on in this scrwed up head of mine.

Untill next time (I promise there will be a next time)
~Rose

Not So Good Anymore

Things don't seem so great anymore. Not like they did just a few hours ago. I think my parents know.

You see, it's a friday, yes? Well, I was planning on going to school today. Go through the whole sha-bang and all that. You know, deal with life and be happy, but... I woak up at eleven and I wasn't at school. I was still lying in bed.

Except this time, I had the covers over me as if someone had placed them that way. My alarm's also didn't go off, none of them.

I don't feel so good about what I did anymore. Now... now I'm scared. I don't know what to expect and I don't really want to find out how this day ends.

If they know what I've done... I, I just don't know what I'll do. It would destroy them if they knew! Ugh, I so should have swapped into the longer pj pants -_- I'm such a idiot. *sigh* Oh well, I'll keep you posted.

~Rose

Big step

I wasn't going to blog about this, but since I feel so much better now, and you people are following my life, I figured 'hey, this is a pretty big step for me. I should really share it!"

So you're probably expecting this to be like omg Eli kissed me or something. Well it's not. I took the next step in the whole depression cycle! Don't understant what I'm saying? Then read on.

Alright, truth be told, I've never actually done this the right way before, but today, after a big pep-down talk to myself I decided that it's better then suicide!

You see, a while back, like end of last year back, I was really upset about not being able to go swimming with my friends. I was so upset cause I had been cooped up in my house for so long, and so sick and tired of everything that when my parents told me I couldn't go I holed up in the bathroom and cryed.

That's when I first did it. I took a pare of tweasers and dug into my left wrist. The pain helped me feel so much better! The best part was, no one expected a thing! I still have the scar, and nobody really notices it (that might be because of the watch I wear all the time...) those who do I just tell them that I got an owie from walking in the woods and they buy it!

So this time I did it right. If you need it in black and white (aka if your like me) this whole thing is about me cutting myself. (yes, I am emo... an emo that wares totally awesom cloths)

I made sure it was a lot less noticible this time. I did it high up on my left leg. (I don't really want to kill myself.. well I do it's just that I can't for my family's sake) I made sure I didn't pass the tan line I have from band and tada! I feel so much better :)

Don't worry! It's on the outside of my leg, there was no chance I would hit like a major artery or anything. like I said, I'm not going to kill myself. It's just that... wow, I didn't expect to feel this great afterwords!

I know it sounds awful, and I'll tell my new therapist about it when I feel comfterblem with him/her... You know, right after I get another therapist. Anyways, just thought y'all bloggers would like to know about that. Say what you will, but I do feel a ton better. I'll talk to y'all later

~Rose

Oh and... please don't follow my example. I'm super messed up. You don't have to be. Please. I wish the best for all of you.

Throwing Babies

Here's that story I owe y'all :)

So basically, in one of my eariler posts I mentioned the fact that my friends and I have actually thrown babies before!! Alright lets get this stright, it was baby doll so no need to sue.

It all kind of started with TSA (look in March, it's the last one)
Zumaya did one of the events on medical stuff and for one of her props she had to use a baby doll. When it was all done it looked really cool! It had a tinfoil hat with tubes coming out from all over it.

So ya, cool baby... hee hee I just remembered, when she first brought it in we duck taped it to one of the windows. >:) That poor thing went through a lot! XD

Anyways, after TSA was over and we had decided we weren't going to nationals everyone has to pick up their stuff, props, posterbord, binders, etc. Thats when it really started!

I think she picked up the doll around lunch time. After we all eat we would get to go outside for about five minuets. Throwing things had already started. Carol would loose one of her shoes and we would play keep away... good times <3

You gessed it! Zumaya brought the doll out. Doll + bordom =  catch! duh. So the nerd herd started chucking that baby doll at each other! After a few tosses a group of boys came over and we ended up having to keep it away from them.

I suppose you could compare it to football combined with soccer but without any goals. You know your winning if you have the baby. So anyways, after a very long exciting five minuets the baby had lost its tubing and alluminum hat along with a little baby hand.

This boy named Allen took it home with him (with permission from Zumaya) and a few days later he posted a picture of it on facebook. Ugh :( I can't find it. Anyways, the head had grass stains on it, it had its two legs, and the hand that had come off was stapled back on XD

So yes, my friends and I have thrown babies before :)

~Rose

School:Writing Challenge

Picture standing in a black room. Everything you see is black, everything you hear is black, everything you feel is black, even the scent in the air is black. Don’t say that black is only a color. It isn’t anymore. Not right now. The word, depression, so ugly, is written across your skin embedded in every piece of who you are.  Right now your entire existence revolves around nothing. Everything you think and feel and hope is coated in a dark black blanket.

Now imagine yourself falling. Not quickly though, your eyes slowly close, your head tips back, you spread your arms as if preparing to embrace someone, and then your toes are no longer touching the ground. Your heels soon follow. 

For a moment you feel free, possibly a little sleepy, but then there is a pressure beginning in your chest. It builds, increasing to a point where you choke, a point where words fail you and so do the fragile illusions you have created to keep from going under.

 You open your eyes. You’re sitting on the bathroom counter, tweezers in hand. Your eyes shift to your left wrist and you see a sloped line. It looks like a burn, and it hurts. You through the tweezers down and grab some ointment.

Lucky for you, no one suspects a thing. The world keeps spinning and life moves on. Sometimes you forget what happened, but the watch that wraps around the scar can’t hide what did. You know what you did, and you’re glad it scarred. It’s a reminder now. The watch symbolizes that time can heal all wounds, and the scar reminds you that it’s possible to come back from the edge.

I know you can’t see that from the outside. No one can. Sometimes during my day I will find myself in one of the many school bathrooms curled up in a ball somewhere in the corner crying. I’ll also hit something; I’ll punch or kick a wall and welcome the pain that comes with it. I don’t know… it helps me feel grounded. When it gets really bad I’ll sit and stroke the scar on my wrist whispering to myself that it will be ok.

Before that usually happens though, my friends catch me. Madison has been a doll and has lent her shoulder many a time. I try not to let them know. I really hate it when I bother others about my problems. I used to go to a therapist about the issue, but I really, really hated that. I kind of just made everything look super dandy for about a year and finally she let me go.

I go to a specialist about it also, some kind of doctor. I take medicine and get better. Things haven’t gotten that bad in a very long time, but I can still remember every detail. It’s never really truly gone. When I’m sad it’s usually worse than it has to be. Did I mention that I hate it? Because I do, I really do.

I hope that it goes away some day. I hope I grow out of it and never have to look back. I hope that scientists create some sort of antibiotic that will fix what’s wrong with my brain. The chances of that are slim to none though. Strangely, I’m alright with that.

You see, having depression is part of who I am now. Without it I wouldn’t have built up the lengthy patients I have with people now. Because of my condition, I’ve learned to look from every angle of a situation. I never yell at someone without thinking about where they come from. By the time I’ve thought it all out, the moment has passed and I’ve lost my chance to yell. Usually by that time though I’ve been able to think of a way to turn the situation around, I’ll be kind to them, give them a hug if possible and wish them the best of luck with whatever it is that’s going on in their life.

People are mean for one of two reasons, they are just mean people, or they are blowing off steam. Maybe even three reasons! That could have been how they were raised. Without my condition I would never have considered this. I was a hot tempered little girl with a big mouth. Without depression I probably would have hit the person whoever was making me angry.

Now, imagine everything white, imagine grabbing onto a hand. Your grip is weak, but theirs is strong. You are pulled out of the black abyss you had fallen into and now you stand tall. Gods hand is on your shoulder and his love in your heart. You suddenly know things are going to be alright, and you thank your lucky stars that you were able to tough it out, because now your able to share another day with the family you care so much about. Now you know that it’s ok to be happy.

Birthday recap

So this past friday was my fifteenth birthday :)

and yes, it was totally epic! :D here's how my day went:

I got up at three in the morning and finished all of my homework. Now, this may seem awful, but it was truly wonderful because right when I had gotten home I had crashed.

So ya, I work on homework untill six o'clock and that's when my mom knocks on my door. She was super duper suprised when she found out I was awake!! I usually sleep in until six fourty five! So anyways, she wishes me happy birthday and goes off to take a shower while I finish up my essay about Watership Down.

When I got to school I was bombarded with so many "happy birthdays" that I wanted to hide! Some of my friends even started singing to me!!! It was rather scary really. The periods I remember most were first period, where my 'friend' Haley wouldn't stop singing to me, and she kept shouting to everyone that it was my birthday... She's not my favorite person in the world.

The other period would have to be sixth period. It was short, but the moment I walked in my friend Emma called out to me "happy birthday!!!" My cheeks flushed when everyone else followed suite. But it was nice. :)

Time really flew inbetween the last few moments of school to the beginning of the football game. What I do remember though is that I spent about two hours cleaning my room rocking out to my i-tunes <3 alright, at least thirty minuets of all cleaning was me dancing around singing into my imaginary microphone!! The important part is that the job got done.

During the football game things were epic x 10!!! Our pregame was a huge hit and I almost played the national anthom from memory without many mistakes and the croud went absoutly wild during the hey cheer!!! The only thing that was bad about all that was during one of my sets one of the percussion hit me in the back with their drum!! Now THAT hurts!

When half time came around we were all stoked to play our whole show! We had spent so much time working on it the past week and it was our first time playing it for anyone! But then the rival band took up all of our time and we didn't get to play our last (best) song. Stupid other team. -_-

It wasn't even marching for them!! They were having technocal difficuties!! THAT SO SHOULDN'T HAPPEN IN MARCHING BAND!!! Alright, better. Anyways, they had a space show, it was really flashie, had smoke, and long cloth rocket ship, a backdrop, and a voice over counting down to one. You could hardly even hear the band.

Ok better :)

So after the game eight of my friends came over to my house and stayed the night! Instead of birthday cake we had birthday pie!!!! :D We went down the street to play flashlight tag with the guys, cracked a bunch of racist joaks with our new awesom black friend Riley and had a great time! (alright, having a black friend is so awesom. I seriously love Riley and we all have so much fun with the racism joakes!!! Like she'll go blind around us and we can't see her at night. so ya, best chick ever)

So yep, I basically stayed up for my whole birthday. all twenty four hours of it!! It was well worth it though :) I love spending time with my friends and them being there for my birthday ment the world to me <3

Did I mention only one of them brought a gift? The rest came with excusies... Yep, we're deffinitly all best friends! XD alright, that's all! Love you guys!

~Rose

*Aww! thanks for reading all of that!!! Ya I know it's long... But hey, it's shorter then it could have been!

By the way, I'll give you the throwing babys story later :)

Boy Friend love, and Update

Do something for me please? Forget everything I've ever said about douting my relationship with Eli. :)

This is rather terrifying, but I think I am 100% truly in love with him <3 I was douting it this morning, but then I held his hand and everything just felt... right.

Of couse last year we were flirting like, every day so this guy named Cole saw us holding hands and he gets all excited shouting "I KNEW IT!!!! I knew this would happen!! I so called it!!!"

The best thing is, I wasn't bothered by this in the least! I usually get really red in the cheeks and my ears get warm and my nose looks like something out of  a christmas special. I really love him. Truly and forever.

On a different note, I have a few random updates on my life!

Like today I had my second tuba lesson and I can get down to a low Bb (B flat) :D it's so much better then I could do at our last lesson!!! AND I DIDN'T EVEN PRACTICE!! WOOP WOOP!
Our lesson today was awesom, it lasted three hours and we got in maybe two hours of practice? Maybe less? XD ya apparently tubas are insainly perverted... which makes everything more awesom, and stuff (band thing)  ;)

On friday we have a home game! Also friday September 7th is a pretty epic day for me. Lets just say I'm so getting my permit soon. I will drive!!

XD I can just see everyone skattering and screaming shouting OH NO!!! And then theres all these buildings on fire and a volcano is errupting and a meator is heading twords earth and I'm crashing into mailboxes...

So if you didn't get that, friday's my 15th birthday :D I'm having this huge sleepover with eight people, now lots will say thats a horrible Idea, but they are wrong all the people that are coming are in the nerd herd! There have been some new additions :) Right now it consists of nine people

Me
Autumn
Zumaya
Madison
Skylar
Riley
Wen
Courtnie
Carol

This friday is going to be wild. Like... people will be throwing baby's wild (and yes, we've done that before, thrown babies. But that's another story for another time! If you want to hear it just say so in the comments and you'll recieve!)

I'll update sometime during this weekend! See you then!
~Rose

Sleep

So I finally figured out my perfect sleep scedual!

Go to bed around 1:00/1:30am and wake up around 10:30/11:00am

It totally sucks that the rest of the world doesn't work on this scedual -_-

I've always had difficulty with sleeping! I get sick when I don't get enough sleep, and if I get too much I'm a zombie! It's insainly difficult for me to fix my sleep scedual. (the one everyone wants me to have) *wake up 6:30/7:00am go to bed 9:30/10:00* I've never been able to get it right.

But, three days of being sick, and a three day weekend put me back on my body's scedual. Now you see, this sucks roylaly because tomorrow I have to go to school. I only get tonight and the morning to get back on everyone elses scedual. Oh and it's... *looks at clock* 2am... haha, crap.

Tomorrow's my 'do all make up homework' day. I had my cleaning day on saturday... In three hours of working I only got one bathroom clean. Today was my relax and be extreemly bord day. I really just want to bang my head against a wall until I black out. Cause then I wouldn't have to worry about anything until I came to!

My mom wanted me to turn off all electronics at nine... XD wow I really messed up! I'm going to get ready for bed now. Goodnight! Or... goodmorning?

~Rose

p.s. hmmm... no ones going to comment or respond to this because it isn't about my love life, or super depressing. Or, yall see this then you'll want to prove me wrong and post something... YEP being a  psychologist is NOT in my future!

To my followers

You people are amazing :) the support you give me helps me get through the rough times in my life <3 This blog is really more of a diary then anything!

I've always wanted to keep a diary, but I hated the fact that no one would know how I felt. Sure, it has my secretes, but other people have secretes just like I do! And a lot of people share the same problems :)

Thank you so much for everything!! <3

~Rose