See that jar over there? the one with my heart in it? *Push*

One thing that i've been meaning to talk about is the fact (and this terrifyed me) that after my first football game. After playing in the bleachers. I don't actually PLAY football, I play piccolo.

ANYWAYS there's this girl and her name is Ally, shes one of my close uperclassmen friends, (we shared a dorm together during band camp) I was goofing off with her, being super extra girly, when it hit me... BAM just like that. My heart grew ten times, my cheeks flushed, and I wanted to kiss her. Right then and there.

I hid it of course, I got on that bus and drew into myself before anyone could notice anything different about me. Like the fact that I really wanted to kiss a girl.. I'M A GIRL!!!

No, I don't exactly really feel that way now, but I can still recall that feeling. It was... well it was an amazing feeling! Like falling in love!! It would have been perfect if it werent for the fact that it scared me to death! I just... couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that I suddenly wanted a girlfriend.

I've pushed that feeling away to the deepest corners of my mind, and it's deffinitly not going to happen, but I started to wonder, 'Do I like girls more then I like boys?' Even if I did, there's no way I would (I don't know how to describe it so here,) give into that want.

Do you have any idea what crap I would have to put up with if I did? I don't like not fitting in, and the fact that I even thought about that for a second... It really scares me :( I'm not going to let myself feel that way, but, what if I only feel that sort of way around girls?

I, personally, think that guys just don't care about us girls. I mean if I were that way then I would have someone that truly understood me. I've seen a couple, like that, and they were absoutly adorible! These thoughts keep creeping back into my mind, and they really make me question myself.

My boyfriend kissed me on the cheek, and I want to kiss Ally. *smacks forhead* I've always had an easier time hanging out with guys too 0_0 I don't know what to think really. I'm just going to give it time... But.. Advice??? Please????????

~Rose

Mom, Dad, Thank you.

I can't even express in words how much I love my parents. If I tryed it would probably sound something like this

Mom,
I'm sorry in sixth grade when you would help me with my math homework and it would end up an epic showdown of who could piss off who more. But I want you to know, that every hurtful word we've ever said to eachother... I can't even remember them now.

What I do remember is:
You would always be the shoulder I cryed on.
No matter how bad things got for me, you were there.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that if I was hurt by someone, you would stop the world and kick their sorry ass.
I know you love me, I know you care, and I wouldn't be able to live without you.

Thankyou mom, for everything you've done for me, and I know I say this everyday... but you should deffinitly hear it again. I love you.


Dad,
The mistakes you've made in your life, the mistakes that you've told me about, they don't matter to me. You are amazing. I can't even begin to express how much you mean to me. The sacrifices you've made to keep this family on the ground are substancial.

When I was little, too little to really remember, I looked up to you because you were my everything. To me, you were the greatest super hero there ever was, even better then batman.

I want you to know that I still think of you that way, and no matter what life throws at our family, I'm here to help now too. I'll be your sidekick.

I love you daddy, more then pb&j, the internet, and bubble gum. Thanks for being my superhero.


There is so much more to say, so much that I haven't written down. I want you to know that my love for you two isn't able to be written in black and white. There are shades of gray, and only you two can see them. Only you two can know in your heart of hearts how much I really care.

~Rose

Failure

There right you know, about me. I don’t even know if I’m sick anymore, or if I just don’t want to go to school… All my teachers that said I will never make it? There probably right. I wouldn’t be surprised. I waste my time holed up in my room, sick.

I don’t even know if I really am sick. I probably am not. I’m probably fine, and I’m just ditching class. So what if I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. Other kids in my school puke in the morning, and still make it on time, ready to go, to learn. Me on the other hand, I’m nothing like that.

I’m pathetic. I’m worthless. I am nothing of importance. Not real importance. In this world I’m hardly a spec. hardly anything. If I don’t make it no one will know. My name won’t go down in the history books proclaiming my failure to be someone. I am of no importance in the greater scheme of things.

My feelings matter about as much as knowing the exact number of ants in a colony. I matter as much as an electron.

I am the electron that jumps form the door handle to your skin. I am the tiny partial that gives you that startling shock. I am what you try and stay away from. I am the reason you go down plastic slides on your feet, so each bolt you touch won’t hurt you.

I am the dust between your keyboards. I’m a nuisance, but I’m also hardly noticed. At any given chance you would clean me out, and I would be gone. No one would notice, or care. No one would think twice about the speck of dust that had been ripped away from where it rests.

 I would no longer hear the clicking of the keys as you type out your message. I would no longer feel safe. I wouldn’t be tucked safely away where no harm would come. I would be exposed, and demolished, replaced by a different speck of dust that would eventually settle where I once rested. I do not matter.

I am no one. Yet, I have a name. They call me Rose where I live, well… those who notice. Some don’t even know my name. Some don’t even see me as I pass by. Not even those who I see as friends. I do not matter. I am nothing.

I am worthless. They were right when they said I would never make it. I’m tardy to school already in the first three weeks of high school. I’m also absent one of those days. I will inevitably fall behind. I will fail, and fail again. There is no happy ending for me. There is nothing for me.

They are right. I will never make it in this life. I will fail, just as predicted.

Staying home

Hey guys. I was sick today :(

I have no idea what it is really... This morning I woak up and did everything I needed to. I left with my mom and brother to get Matthew to school. Then my mom and I went to pick up my special musician earplugs that cost a crap load of money.

On the way back though, depression hit. Hard. I started freaking out in the back seat. I didn't let my mom in on what was going on in my messed up head of mine until we got close to home. I spoke up then and voiced the fact that I didn't want to go to school. Of course she was a good parent and said everything a normal mom would.

It ranged from "well sweety, you have to go to school." to "You're going to school. If you still don't feel good then call me in an hour." when I pressed the issue. The worst part was, it wasn't just depression! My head was doing this weird thing, but I'm used to my head causing intense pain. What really bothered me was the fact that I felt sick to my stomach.

I felt like I was gagging on this lump in my throat that I just couldn't swallow. The more I ignored it, the more sick I felt! It was a never ending circle of ouch. :( I pushed though it though. for like... thirty minuets. Then I called my mom and high tailed it out of there. Once I got home I read Onyx for an hour or two and fell asleep.

I drempt a little, but the only thing that comes to mind when I try and remember what happend in the dream is little baby chickens... Ya, I don't even know. Anyways, when I woak up I went stright back to reading.

 I love Obsidian and all (sorry! I'm going to rant about Onyx for a bit. Hang in there!) but Onyx just didn't have that same... feel to it. Everything was so sad and rushed! It felt like reading Ink Heart all over again! Please Jennifer, give your amazing series a happy ending!!! I will DIE if it doesn't!!! Ok back to my crap tastic day.

So I finished Onyx and looked at the clock. BAM it was midnight. 'Oh shoot' I thought, 'I'm not even tired!' then I relized that no one had come into check on me :( Hello?? I'm sick in here!!! But no, they all went to bed. So I'm sick and lonely. I can feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, begging to be shed. But crying doesn't solve anything. So I wont.

~Rose

Kiss: part two

So I talked to him about that kiss and he felt so awful for kissing me before I was ready!! He kept apologising and oh my goodness I don't even know how I ever wanted to dump him! I seriously have some relationship bipolor...

I think I'll just give y'all the conversation!

Me: Hey! Sorry mondays are karate days =)

Eli: That's fine! How was your day?

Me: It was good =)

Eli: So whatcha doing now beautiful?

Me: Hw =/

Eli:Aw that stinks, what kinda homework?

Me: All of it! And then some -_-

Eli: Ugh that stinks! I gotta go to bed, lov eyou! Love love love. Good night

Me: No nonononononononono!!! I need to talk to you about that kiss... Um... I'm not ready for kissing yet... No kissing

Eli: Okay. That's fine, I'm just really nervous and I love you so much I can't bear to live without you. Sorry, sorry sorry sorry. I love you!

Me: You don't have to be sorry =) just please don't spring suprise kisses on me.

Eli: I feel so bad now! I'm a horrible boyfriend :'( I'm horrible! the worst!

Me: No you're adorible <3 I'm just not ready!!! You do not have to feel bad about this!!!

Eli: But I do! I'm horrible your too good for me! I'm horrible! Horrible!

Me: Goodness!!! Calm down Eli!!!!! You're FINE would you rather I not tell you these things??????

Eli: No, I want you to! I don't want to ruin my first love! I love you and I want you to tell me everything!

Me: Well then I will! =) you just can't freak out kay??? I'm not upset with you or anything!!! In fact I think it's adorible that you care so much!!!! <3 I love you so much and you do NOT need to worry about doing something wrong! I'll tell you my limmets!

Eli: Ok, I love you too! So so so so so so much!

Me: =) oh and can you not ask hannah questions about us? Like what I think of you and all tahat? She will answer, be shes so eger to please that she gets really stressed and just gets really upset. So please only talk to her about things other then us please??

Eli: Okay, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong or right. Love you! Nightynight my beautiful girlfriend! Love you!

Me: You can always ask me.. =) I AM your girlfriend... =) I love you! <3 night!!! I'll meet you in dream land!

Eli: Its a date!

Me: Can't wait!!! Night!!!

Eli: Night!!!!!!

Kiss

Today I was thinking, I probably wont post anything new because it's a monday, and nothing interesting happens on a monday. Heh heh, WRONG!

Did you katch the title? Kiss?  Ya well Eli kissed me! gosh guys, on the cheek!!! You people are so nasty. Anyways, HE FREAKING KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK!!!

Now, I should be happy right? Again, WRONG i've been thinking about dumping him because I just seriously can never have a boyfriend for very long cause.. well I have a short attention span! I've even been checking out other guys. Oh ya the kiss? You want to know about that? Alright then.

So the school bell rang and I was all like YES FREEDOM cause it was hot and all and I wanted to go home! Well, I went to go meet Eli in our usual spot and he was there... Taylor was there as well along with his friend.. shoot forgot his name, not important! After a while I was board and said "hey I'm going to see if I can find Madison. Eli of course gives me a hug, and right before I release from his hold he kisses me. On the cheek.

My dear friends, it was not romantic at all. It was a split decision on his part! I could tell cause his nose dug into my ear! (ok not really my ear kind of that place where the jaw bone ends.) It hurt :( and then the WORST part was that... It was wet and sloppy and my cheek was covered in his *gags*. I can't finish.

Ugh I fell like I'm going to through up!!!

My reaction? I got out of that hug! Backed into Taylor, she said something about being rude, and walked away. Quickly. I was waiting for nothing. The lama could have just walked through the front doors and I wouldn't have noticed.

I don't even think he realized! Stupid boys. -_- I think I might break up with him. Soon... Or not so soon... I don't want to date him any more...

But he already spent some of his money on my birthday present! I can't have him waisting money on me! I just can't do it!! Ya I know I'm grasping at straws here, but i don't want to hurt him. I also don't exactly want to date him at all... any more... forever... and ever... Alright I'll do it tomorrow morning.

Ugh I'm a horrible person!!!
I'm going to go bang my head against a wall now. Later peeps.
~Rose

What the hell?

Oh my goodness! I can't stop thinking about Sam... I just...CAN'T!

And the deal is, he's a senior that I met at band camp, yes, I've said to Eli that I love him. But when I think about it really hard... I don't. I said it because he said it first, and that's what's expected of me. Oh and then there's James. (no conflicted feelings about him! He's just my buddy)

James is my sassy gay friend who isn't really gay, and I'm starting to wonder if he has a crush on me! Oh my god I'm so messed up!! And it's only freshman year... O_o I'm so dead

The thing is that I'm horrible at telling if people like me or not! I just can't do it!!!

Now, James made a reference that Sam liked me, but then he freaked out and was all like 'no wait!! He dons't like you that way! I didn't mean for it to come out like that!' And I'm just like,well shoot... What do I think now???

When I'm trying to fall asleep I find myself thinking of Sam more then Eli. I'm always thinking how I'm being so awkward around him! I always seem to mess up in some way. (Not that that's limited to only him. I just say socially awkward things at random times to everyone. Including teachers... ugh)

Example:
(little history)
the way we met was that at band camp he always seemed to be where I was, someone pointed out that he was stalking me (he wasn't it was totally coincidental) and it just kind of became our thing (dear lord do you hear me!?!? 'our thing' I'm so scrwed) even now that school has started he just seems to always be RIGHT THERE. It's pretty funny, but after the football game yesterday he just showed up next to me and was like "I'm not doing this on purpose I swear" so I said "ya we have to stop meeting like this!" he said "so we should plan it?"
I totally did not grasp what had just escaped my lips *face palm* of course me, being my awkward self, went on about how if we did plan it then we probably would never see each other. It would be like some crazy rivirse phycology thing.

When I think about it some more I relize that, I don't 'love' Eli, and I'm pretty sure its wacked out hormones that are all obssessed with Sam. Ugh but Sam has ABS.

Dear lord I even pointed out that he had a happy trail... -_- I so don't understand half the words I say. OK!?!? I just read something about a happy trail in a book so when I saw that Sam had a happy trail it reminded me of Daemon... *shivers* Daemon <3

Back to the point!!!! Yes, I am an idiot. A very awkward idiot. Who thinks sex is cool and terrifying cause it creates life! And... well ya. So I'm deffinitly a conflicted hormonal teen.

Mmmmm Daemon ;) ya read Obsidian by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Love y'all
~Rose

Good morning...

Ya, good morning? I don't think so!! I couldn't get up!! It was the, I can't even keep my eyes open, kind of sleepy. Of course I did manage to get up, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this...

Well, when I did get up Matthew, my brother, had taken over the bathroom! My glasses and contacts were in there so for about twenty minuets I had to get dressed and make two pb&j's blind. It sucked.

When I finally did get into the bathroom everyone was rushing me! I just shouted at them that I'm huring. It kind of got them off my back.

Well, the next thing that went wrong is that my mom can't find the keys to my dad's truck. Her car broke down, so he is out only means of transportation! And we can't find the keys. There still looking for them now... And I'm writing this because I'm about to break down into a puddle of wet goo. (aka cry)

My girl issues started last night, so my emotions are out of controll. I'm so pissed... *sigh* Wish us luck. I'm already late for school... -_-

~Rose

I really should be doing my homework right now...

BUT I'M NOT!!!

Yep I'm sure all of you can relate ;) I just spent like, four hours with Madison at the libiary working on our Watership Down project... working being a relative term of course :) alright, this is how it really went

after school we walked down to the libiary (Madison's bf was with us and there ADORIBLE, so I now approve) and the three boys that are supposed to help us with it were a no show. Turns out we all had a different libiary in mind. Anyways, there the ones that keep madison and I on task! So for about two hours we sat there talking about everything, and then exploring the libiary!

While we were exploring we each found seven books to check out, and we filled out a volenteer sheet! XD We just can't work together!!!

We got to work after that but Autumn came over and we got into a discussion with her... We did finish though! At the very end we figured out that we could talk into her I phone and it would write what we said, we could have been done in half the time if we had known that! That's it for Watership Down...

Ok so this morning I was late to school (the second day in a row) because my mom's car wouldn't start up! Now we need to get a new car for her, but we're still in debt! It's going to be about six more months before we can finally be free.

We'll manage though :) Ok I'm going to go do that homework now! (hmm... It looks as if the internet says otherwise...)

Later!
~Rose

Party on the 8th

Hey my wonderful followers! Guess what!?!?!?

After band practice today, I was invited to an upper classmen party!!! :D You know what she said??? She said "Hey, make sure your calender stays open for september 8th cause I'm throwing a party and You're invited. Oh and I'm not inviting very many freashmen... only the cool ones."

Of course I played it cool and said 'alright' with a smile, but on the inside I was totally flipping out!!! I can't get it out of my head!!!! I'M ONE OF THE COOL FRESHMAN!!! :D I'm so dang happy! So... ya do band :)

Love y'all!
~Rose

*P.s. I started reading Onyx by Jennifer Armentrount today! Of course Madison totally spoiled all of it, but it's still amazing!!!!! so, THANKS JENNIFER for an amazing book :) the release date has been on my calender since like... January... It's safe to say I'm obsessed. Alright! Later!!

Monday and Texting

For a monday, today was pretty good :) Nothing special really happened, I mean my science class watched some animal porn today. Scuse me, I mean we watched science videos that scard me for life.

I got absoutly NO sleep last night! I was up untill twelve reading some good old Young Justice Fan Fiction! Yes I one of those people, but really, YJ fan fiction is the only fan fiction I can really read! All others make me really angry. I can NOT get enough of Spitfire! Aka, wally and artemis!!! They're so freaking adorible together and I love them!!!

I kind of gave up on my childhood crush, robbin, because hes taken... It was upsetting! As I said, nothing really happened so I'm just going to give you guys a convo Hannah and I had.

Hannah had just leaft my house and I was heartbroken!
*Our twitter names will be used in this so if u want to you can go and follow one of us! We both follow back :)
*During Hannah's two week stay I slept on the floor. I refused to take the bed! Sorry, but I'm just against sleeping on my bed while my friends are sleeping on the floor
*The whole money thing is because Hannah and I spent our money on supplys to make book purses! It was super duper fun! But, none of them sold! :'( There ten dollars each so if u want one... I can hook u up! ;)
*The last sentence in this thing is a quote from Ghost in the Stalls, If you haven't seen it then you must go to youtube now because I just die each time I watch it!! It's by Olan Rodgers :) Kay! Read on... If you dare >:)

Me – Hannah come back! You can blame it all on me!!! XD

Hannah – OK OK I’M COMING

Me (to twitter) – Now what am I going to do… #IHateGoodbyes

Me – Yay! =D but I get the bed *stern look*

Hannah – Ughhhhh fine e_e

Me – Hahaha! : ) I miss u : (

Hannah – I miss you too : (

Me - *sight* we’ll see each other again though!!! I promise!!!

Hannah - @Hannah_LeReveur: RT @Lollipop_sp: Now what am I going to do… #IHateGoodbyes

Hannah – Duh!!!

Me - =D At least were going to get some money now!!! =D

Hannah – YEAH :D

Me -  I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in! <3 =D

Hannah – Me either!! :D you’d better send me that money >:/

Me – Gee calm down e_e you know me better then anyone! And what do you think I’ll do hmm?

Hannah – I’m kidding : ) but seriously, the money. : )

Me – Ya ya yaaa = ) you sound like some kind of drug dealer or something e_e

Hannah -  XD the money. You got it? *sneaky face*

Me – Ya, you got the stuff? I want to see the stuff first *game face*

Hannah -  I already gave you the stuff. Now I want ma dang money! *pulls gun*

Me - *Takes gun, emptys bullets, hands it back to you* I don’t know what you’re talking about ;) *walks off*

Hannah - >:O

Me - *flips hair*

Hannah - *Pulls knife and stabs you*

Me – (gee you’re an amazing bestie e_e) *knife hits bullet proof vest and stopps short of penetration* *my mucle comes out* ha ha ha! Now what are you going to do!? I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!


Alright! Rose OUT
PEACE XD I make myself laugh *snicker snicker*

I gots me a boyfriend!

Oh my goodness! Hey there! I got so many responces to my sad post! Ya'll are so sweet! So sorry I haven't posted something in so long!!! You're support is... more then appreatied <3
~Anyways

So I'm guessing I havent told you guys about my new boyfriend??? Nope??? Well... I'd better fix that now shouldn't I!

Well this is how I see it, I've liked him, Eli, since the seventh grade (I'm a freshman now!! WOOP WOOP!!) The same goes for him. Each day during seventh period for two years in a row, we would have class together. Not only that but in seventh grade, during business, he would always help me with my work! (I had absoutly no idea what I was doing! He's the only reason I passed that class)

In eigth grade worked together in TECH. I hated that class so very much, but he always managed to make me laugh! :) like, everyone was telling us that we need to date, laugh. Cause we were loud XD
... Now that I think of it... He did most of the work... In both classes... :) hope none of my teachers ever read this!

Well, I almost scrwed everything up by going out with my 'ex' Andrew... Oh my god like, don't even get me started on him. I can't... I just can't even. -_-

BACK TO TOPIC:

Over summer we went on our first date! You know.. after we had stayed up till three am skyping on multiple ocasions. This one time he read to me cause I was falling asleep and he wanted me to stay up with him! What usually went on in those skype sessions was he would like play a game on the computer and I would just watch and take pictures of him with my computer... I'm such a creeper XD.

Sorry! Ok so first date! it was JUST A DATE well to me it was. Dating doesn't mean you're boyfriend/girlfriend. Anyways, we went bowling! He was supposed to show up at '5 ish' and he was fourty five minuets late.
Yes I waited that long and sat there in the bowling ally all awkredly for fourty five looonnngggg minuets. He of coursed arrived when I was in the bathroom  crying, deciding to give him ten more minuets before I start a game of my own and bowl all by my lonesum.
Yep, it really sucked waiting that long. But when he finally showed up we bowled (ya ya big suprise, just keep reading) there was a couple next to us that were also bowling and they were so adorible!! I kept imaging Eli and I being that way one day.

We bowled two games, horribly I might add, and then we left and walked to panara for some free water. We left, walked down the small hill to gamestop, he deposited his extra money towrds getting a game... We walked to books a million, I got Speak by Laurie Hales Anderson while he was freaking out over an Eragon thing. We went to The Dollar Tree, played katch in the hallways, left. Walked to the unopened put put place, walked back to the bowling ally, walked in the direction of his dads resturant, and then I went home... It was an interesting first date. But I'm happy I waited.

Our second date was when my bestie hannah was here! The nerd hurd, Autumns boyfriend, Eli, and Hannah, and I all went skating (It was a total ripoff! Eighteen bucks for an all night thing, no other option. We spent TWO hourse there. yep not going back) I felt so bad for hannah! She felt so awakward and I didn't want to leave her alone, but I didn't want to only be with her the whole time! I had to hang with the nerd herd a little! Anyways, that was when, to me, Eli and I became more then friends ;)

Our third date didn't work out. We were going to go to the new put put place, but he had to do some school shopping in knoxville. He couldn't get back in time *sniffle, sniffle*

Our third date take two worked out a lot better! It just so happened that took place today! We met up at the park and ate lunch. (We each brought two water bottles, not just for ourselves, but for eachother) after that we hiked through a trail that was neerby. It was a long walk and I loved being with him, but I don't think were going to be hiking together any time soon... After our hike, we walked to razzleberries and he bought us Ice creem! I made a mess... His mom called him while we were there and we had to head down to his moms friends house. And thats when my mom picked me up!

The most touchie feely weve gotten is hugs. He didn't even hold my hand while we were walking! Hes shy and its so ADORIBLE!!! (at least I think so) He's told me he loves me and by golly, I believe him! I love him too :)

I'm just hoping it doesn't go all cleshay on me and it just stays a highschool relationship! I can really see us getting married one day...

Sorry for the long post!

~Rose OUT
*I didn't run this through word...