Healing

When you feel suicidal, TALK TO SOMEONE

Me: U still up?

James: Yes i am

Me: Did you mean it when u said i could talk to u about anything?

James: Of course... You need help?

Me: U promise u wont say a word to ANYONE?

James: Yes ma'm

Me: Ok... Well i made a promise to my parents that i would never commit suicide. What if i broke it?

James: Rose, please listen to me. Suicide is something that some people struggle with and some people don't. But it solves nothing.. at all. The only thing it does is hurt the people around you that love you, I've considered it, but I just sat down and REALLY thought about it. Suicide is a cowards way out, I really really really love you too much for you to even consider suicide, and I'm sure your parents do too.

Me: It's just that I've thought about it for so long! I am so SICK of FEELING. I just don't want to anymore!!!!! My damn medicen isn't working and I wont be able to see a stupid doctor about it for a few months. It's just not WORTH it!!! I'm so pissed with myself and the fact that my mind and body can't work right! All I want to do is die and let some more diserving little child with cancer get my heart lungs etc. I would save way more lives then mine is worth.

James: No Rose, it IS worth every second of your life. If I had cancer or any other need for someones help, the last thing I would want to know is that the person took their own life just because they thought nobody loved them! I love you, your parents love you, eli loves you, you have so much to live for, please I really care about you! You dying would really really make my life bad, I've already lost one too many of my friends for you to do this to me! Please...

Me: I wont. I promise. Crosse my heart and hope to.. um fly? =) did someone you know commit suicide?? =(

James: WEll thats just it, i don't know.. She um got in an accident with a bus a few years ago.

Me: Katelins sister =( I met her only a few days before the accedent. We played in the leaves with her sisters...

James: Yes her. I also lost....  *personal so I'm not putting it. he basically just lost people he cared about*

Me: You had a reason to be depressed thought =/ goodness and still do! *hug* you see, I don't! Other then the fact that I'm messed up. Which everyone is so I shouldn't really be upset about it! And then I get upset about how I'm upset and it has a snowball effect -_-

James: You will get through it like everybody else. It's only the people that think nobody loves them or wants them that you read about in the obituary. Your not one of those people, I'll make sure of it, I'll do anything to show that people do love you

Me: I get that people love me. It's just that I don't love me. I hate who I am =(

James: Well I don't! and I've said that before too, I didn't really mean it, I just thought that I did.

Me: I've had teachers tell me that I'm never going to make it in life, and I've had doctors tell me that they don't know what to do with me. In elementry school all of my teachers thought I was retarded. I was abused by a boy my parents babysat. That's a ALL happened before I'm even eighteen. Makes me wonder what in the world is coming next.

James: I've had the same thing said to me, you just mind punch them right in the face and tell you are making in life and you are going to live better then they have *ok sometimes he doesn't make much sense, but you get the point*

Me: I'm just tired of having to prove everyone wrong. =(

James: If that's what it takes, then it's worth it. Remember that suicide is the most mindblowing thing in the world, that someone could be so selfpittiful and selfesh to take their lives from the people that care about htem. Everyone has got to prove people wrong who stand in your way

Me:I promise I won't kill myself. I promise to talk to you, or someone else that cares, if things get thrown out of perspective. Thank you so much <3 now it's twelve thirty and you have school tomorrow! So i'll let you sleep =)

James: Oh and you don't or something? I'll do ANYTHING, even if it's just a hug or something every day, or we could talk every  morning if you want. And I viciously mean it. I will stop at nothing for this.

Me: =) that means the world to me <3 and no I don't. My dad broke me down and I showed him the scars/fresh cuts. No school for me for one or two more days. Mom's orders =/

James: Well I hope it goes well for you! If you need ANYTHING just tell me, okay? Goodnight.. get better okay, for me?

Me: Alright =) i will. Night james. Thanks <3


You're probably thinking the same thing I am right now. 'wow...' so ya, he really really really cares. And wow do I feel tons better :)

As you read, I was busted, I'm staying home for a little while until I can get some help. My teachers know about the crap that's going on (well the physical stuff so far) so I'm good in the whole school department.

I think I fall too easily, cause now I have a crush on James... Lol I'm in so much trouble XD anyways, I want y'all to know, I'm ok, and there will be plenty of more posts for you to read :) I promise that to you guys too <3

Alright, I'm off to play Kingdom Rush! (if you want to play it go to www.onemorelevel.com . It is awesom!)

~Rose

Alright so it's tomorrow now, but I thought this could go with this post

Daddy: Hi Rose. I hope you are feeling better today. I love you so very much and want you to be happy! Your mom and I will NEVER stop the fight against your depression. You are a good person with so much to share with the world and you deserve to be happy. i love being around you and am grateful you are my daughter. -Daddy

Me: Hey Dad =) ya I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm going to try and make a n apple pie! =D I love being around you too. I don't know what I would do without you. You are the best Dad in the world <3 Thank you for your love and support! And I promise I wont stop fighting either =)